Parenting “war stories”

Danielle Frank: I’ve listened to parents trade war stories like battle hardened soldiers in the trenches. You know, and sometimes when you’re too close to it and you’re in it, it’s hard to see, you know, the fun. And it is hard to see the humor and that grape juice that you’re drinking can someday turn into a fine cabernet.

Andrea Marie: We are Moms Unhinged, a nationally touring standup comedy show. Join us in our podcast as we explore everything from motherhood, midlife, crisis, marriage, divorce, online dating, menopause, and other things that irritate us.

Hello everyone and welcome to the Moms Unhinged Podcast. I’m your host, Andrea Marie, and I am here with the fabulous Danielle Frank, the author of a Wine Lover’s Guide to Parenting, which. My gosh. That is, I need this book desperately because it is, it sounds just so good. So I can’t wait to read it and just thought, get you on the podcast since we’ve got a lot of moms who probably are also wine lovers.

I loved a little bit too much wine last night. That’s why.

Danielle Frank: Well, thank you for having me on the show, and I always say there’s never too much wine to be had.

How wine inspired a parenting book

Andrea Marie: Yeah. That’s awesome. That’s awesome. So Danielle, tell us a little bit about why you like, how you came to write this book, like you were, I’d love to hear like kind of how this book evolved and you know, what kind of experiences you put in there.

Danielle Frank: I’m actually not a mom. Crazy enough, I am an aunt to my niece and nephew. I’m an auntie to so many friends’. Kids call me Aunt Danielle, which is great. I take them to escape rooms, dope them up on sugar and get to send them home. I was also a bonus mom for many years to my ex fiance’s kids, and I just realized raising kids and appreciating wine actually have a lot more in common, more than just that they can both stain your carpets, you know.

As somebody who spent my career in wine, I’ve worked in the wine and spirits industry for over 21 years, so spoiler alert, I’m a little older than 21. You know, I started to notice the parallels between wine terminology and just human behavior, and it became a playful way to celebrate the chaos, the humor, and the humanity of parent.

Andrea Marie: Yeah, for sure. That’s our whole message with Moms Unhinged too. It is so chaotic and it is like, you have to laugh at it because it just, you need humor to get through some of these days. And you need wine so.

Danielle Frank: Exactly. I mean, I’ve listened to parents trade war stories like battle hardened soldiers in the trenches. You know, and sometimes when you’re too close to it and you’re in it, it’s hard to see, you know, the fun. And it is hard to see the humor and that grape juice that you’re drinking can someday turn into a fine cabernet.

Andrea Marie: Yeah. Yeah, exactly. I know it just needs to get a little older, so that, that’s awesome. So, you were in the wine industry. I’m so curious about that too, like, what was that like being in the wine district and you’re no longer in, in it like you were.

Danielle Frank: I am still in the wine and spirits industry.

Andrea Marie: Oh, oh, you

Danielle Frank: fun industry. Yeah. So I started my career in entertainment PR. And I say I traded red carpets for red wine.

Andrea Marie: Yeah.

Danielle Frank: And I fell into this industry and I’ve been working here for nearly 22 years of going on 12 years with my current company, Moet Hennessy.

it’s a great industry. It’s, you know, especially when you get to represent such amazing wine and spirits brands that have such history and stories.

Andrea Marie: Yeah.

Danielle Frank: And spending over two decades in the wine of spirits industry really shaped how I tell stories. And this world is really about.

Translating something complex into something relatable a little bit fun and not intimidating. And so I approached the book that way because, you know, as a wine lover and somebody who works in the industry, I love the idea of using storytelling to make ideals, to make the wine knowledge accessible and fun.

It’s not supposed to be daunting, like some people say about, you know, oh God, I don’t, you know, I mean, when I go to dinner with my friends and the wine list comes and they pass it to me, I’m like, no. It’s like you should be able to enjoy it. I’m not an expert. I know what I like. It may be different than what you like, and there’s no right or wrong, and it’s all about the emotion that it evokes from you.

So that’s, it’s all about the storytelling aspect.

Andrea Marie: Yeah. Yeah, that’s awesome. That’s awesome. I know some of my favorite wines are the ones where I’ve like visited the vineyard, so then when I drink it, I can picture it and you know, talking about the history of, you know, how the whole vineyard came about, it’s always so interesting. So that’s great.

Danielle Frank: Yeah, there, there’s so much history, there’s so much romanticism. I’m very lucky that we represent some of the best champagnes in the world, Don Perignon, Veuve Clicquot, and I am blessed that I get to go, you know, go to Champagne. And when you go down in those caves that have been there for hundreds of years and

here the history and see bottles that were, I mean, when I visited Cognac and Hennessy and there’s like Odivi, the wine, it’s the juice that it’s made from, the Odivi There’s Odivi there, like from the 1700s. It’s crazy.

Life as a bonus mom

Andrea Marie: That is wild. Yeah, so great. So great. And I’m also curious, so you mentioned you were a bonus mom to your fiance’s kids. I’m curious about how that was ’cause you know, on the podcast here, we have like a wide range of experiences with parenting and I think. I think definitely being that bonus mom and it just has its own challenges to it.

And curious how it was for you.

Danielle Frank: The boys. I mean, they were a lot younger than, they’re outta college now. It’s wild. But they like, they were great boys and they really embraced me. I think the hardest challenge was because my parents were divorced when I was one and my dad remarried. And I see what it’s like that side, you know, mom versus dad and the stepmother in between.

You know, some of the things that I felt when I was growing up, and so I was very careful about, you know, knowing my boundaries. Like never taking, you know, the mother’s place and all that. What I found most interesting was, it was when I finally moved in with my ex and I, we were engaged at this point, and the older one, the older son, he forgot his homework at his mom’s house, and I remember being that kid like, oh, it’s so hard.

You’re juggling between two houses. And I was like, not a big deal. I’ll take him in the morning, we’ll go pick it up and I can drop him off at school. Problem solved. And my ex just became irate and was like, no, you stay out of this and blah, blah, blah. And that was very defining moment for me. Like, if I’m gonna be in your life and we’re getting married, you have to integrate me into the co-parenting in some way.

You know, I’ll never overstep the boundaries and try and take the place of their mom, but you know, I need to be engaged with. I’m invested in these kids’ wellbeing and their lives, and I know what it feels like to be that kid that left their homework at the other parents.

Andrea Marie: Right, right. Yeah, there’s, you know, not only the kid relationships with the kids themselves, but just, both parents. If they’re both, you know, in the picture, that’s, that’s a whole nother level of entanglement that can crop up. So, yeah, that’s

Danielle Frank: very lucky that the ex-wife, she’s fantastic. She and I became friends, like when I broke up with my fiance, she and I went and got drinks shared. Her stories, it was fabulous. Yeah. But she always appreciated how well I treated her kids, and there was no love loss between them. So it was easy. It was great.

Andrea Marie: Yeah, that’s great. That’s great. When people can see, hey, we all just want the best for the kids. And, you know, definitely that is, that’s where it can really. Be a good thing. So, that’s funny that you.

Danielle Frank: Absolutely.

Andrea Marie: I sort of wanna interview the exes before we date.

Danielle Frank: Right.

Andrea Marie: Wish that was a thing and be like, Hey, I want to hear your yeah.

Yeah.

Danielle Frank: No kidding. That’s a good app. You know, I’m dating, I’m dating your ex. Give me the go.

Andrea Marie: Oh man. So you said your parents divorced when you were one. That’s, yeah. So you pretty much don’t remember a time when they were married. That’s super interesting. But you did have, we were talking beforehand, you said you had an unhinged moment from when. With your mom and your parents, why don’t you share?

Danielle Frank: Oh yeah,

Andrea Marie: love to hear that

Danielle Frank: I would see my dad on the weekends. We lived in New Jersey and he lived in New York City and so he’d pick us up and then drop us off at the end of the weekend. And I went home and, I realized that I left my little Snoopy suitcase in my dad’s car and my mom went crazy that I left my suitcase in the car.

Now granted, in hindsight, I found out that I realized my dad was putting, the alimony checks in my Snoopy suitcase and my mom not the best with money. And so she relied on that heavily, and now her check was gonna be a week late, so she went bonkers. But needless to say, after that, my dad just mailed the check weekly instead of putting me in, putting it in my poor little Snoopy suitcase.

Andrea Marie: I know. You don’t need to be the mule there for that.

Danielle Frank: I was the check mule.

Andrea Marie: Yeah, yeah. Oh man, it’s so hard. And I, you know it for sure. Like, it’s funny how much you realize, you can empathize with your parents when it was hard to know what is the problem here, you know? And now, you know, as you’re older, you understand like, oh, okay, there we go.

That was it, you know?

Danielle Frank: I can see now she probably was, you know, heavily relying on that weekly check and yeah.

The “kids fermenting” lesson

Andrea Marie: That’s good. I know we are just all trying to get by, trying to get by. I wanna hear you had talked about like, reading a chapter from your book. I’d love to get into that and talk about that a little bit. ’cause you said it was a fun little chapter.

Danielle Frank: Yeah, so my book is written in the style of a classic Children’s Illustrated rhyming book.

Andrea Marie: Uh huh.

Danielle Frank: It’s talking about wine and parenting. This is not made for kids, folks. There are some, there are some curse words sprinkled in. So if you’re, you know, not into that, not heavy.

Andrea Marie: yeah. And every time I use wine terminology, it gives the definition at the back of the book gives a basic understanding of wine is made.

Danielle Frank: So even if you’re not a parent, it’s great if you wanna know about wine. So this chapter, lesson three is you don’t want your kids to ferment. So the fermentation process and wine is when you turn sugar into alcohol, well, sugar, you think of something that’s sweet. Alcohol is sort of harsh and biting. You don’t want your kids to not have manners and turn into something harsh and biting.

So, manners, manners, manners are the key to it all. These lessons need to start even when they’re small. Teach them this from day one before they start to crawl. You don’t want your kid to be the sour grape in the bunch and turn into a spoiled breath that kids wanna punch. When they start talking. Make sure they know thank you, and please, and to always say bless you when they hear someone sneeze.

Please and thank you are an absolute must. Without that, your child’s a total bust. There’s nothing worse than a child who has behavior that is crude ’cause it’ll continue as they’re older and become someone who’s rude. People don’t take kindly to and aren’t nice to those with attitude ’cause it’s very offputting and puts others in a bad mood, oftentimes causing confrontation and leads to a nasty feud.

Wanting to put a little bit of poison in your child’s food. Is that really how you want your kid to be viewed? Wouldn’t you prefer that there’s someone who’s wooed. Without manners, they’ll ferment and turn into someone harsh and biting. They may turn into a kid who’s rude, obnoxious, and always fighting.

So teach your kids some manners and to have some heart and soul. Without that, your kid may well turn into an a-hole.

Why early lessons matter

Andrea Marie: I know that it is such a hard thing to like have, you’ve gotta teach so many, soft skills as parents and, you know, it is like, my biggest fear was just that my kid, you know, just all I wanted was for my kids to be able to make friends. You know, that was my thing is I was like, if you have friends in this world, then you know, everything is so much easier and you can, you know, cope with anything.

I don’t care about math or, you know, whatever school. But I think if they’re just grow up to be good kids, that’s the whole thing so.

Danielle Frank: Yeah. And you know, and I mean, that was my goal, you know, right. When motherhood didn’t happen for me, you know, I realized I may not be raising children of my own, but I still felt a pull to influence the kind of human beings we’re raising. And so my book became part of that. And you know, it happens at a young age, you know, kids are a blank slate when they come out of the womb, and so much of that is just, you know, how we raise them.

And that’s kind of why I wrote it as a children’s book too, because I want, you know, when they’re young, it just a reminder, you know, of this little things to think about as you’re starting to embark on your journey as a parent of, you know, just little reminders of let them breathe. It’s okay to let them fall.

You know, that’s how they’re gonna learn to get up.

Andrea Marie: Mm-hmm.

Danielle Frank: Giving them depth, teaching them about the world, teaching them to be kind, not be a bully. Like all those basic human being, you know, good, decent behavior characteristics that, you know, you wanna start at a young age. ‘Cause, once they have yeah. Bad habits, it’s hard to break.

Andrea Marie: Yeah, for sure. For sure. And yeah, you get to control so much more when they’re young and you know, when they start to get older and you know, they just don’t always listen to you that well. So it just becomes, it’s such about a challenge of like yeah, trying to do a combination of modeling and also teaching, you know?

Danielle Frank: Yeah, exactly. It’s hard. I see everybody around me, my network around me and all the kids they’re raising and, you know, I don’t doubt it’s a hard job. Everybody’s, you know, doing the best they can. So sometimes you just. And also, you know, I always say I’m an outsider insider, like, you know, to my niece and nephew, to my friend’s kids that call me Aunt Danielle, to bonus mom.

Like I might not be, you know, the mom. But I’m heavily invested in how these kids turn out. And sometimes when you have that sort of fresh perspective and an out outsider who is an insider to your kids, you know, you can point out those things a little easier without judgment, you know.

When parenting gets serious

Andrea Marie: Yeah, yeah, for sure. What has been the reception to the book?

Danielle Frank: It’s been great. You know, parents, they love the humor, the light tone.

Andrea Marie: Mm-hmm.

Danielle Frank: They appreciate the levity. A lot of parents actually, right. One of my favorite things is there’s a chapter in there is it’s your kid, a mulled wine. Mulled wines are heated, they’re spice sometimes served in as a punch.

So that is related to like, make sure your kid’s not heated spice packing a punch. Is your kid a bully outside of the home? And this is, I think it’s just, it’s mind boggling. What a problem. I mean, granted, we hear more about it these days ’cause social media is so prevalent, but I’m sorry.

Kids, you know, unaliving themselves at 12. Like I, that didn’t happen when we were younger. It just didn’t.

Andrea Marie: Yeah.

Danielle Frank: Not as, not as much as it is happening now. So it’s a really serious thing that like breaks my heart. And so this chapter, is obviously a serious message but in a light tone.

And a lot of parents have actually said to me. You know, that chapter resonated with them the most because of course they see the great child in the house and nobody wants to think, you know, everybody wants to think, not my child. But a people have said, it made me look inward and just be like, huh, maybe I should like get a better understanding of how they are at school.

One parent said, you know, somebody did complain to her about their kid, and when she thought about it, she’s like, I need to nip this in the bud. You don’t wanna believe it’s your kid, but if somebody’s saying it’s true or you just, you know, take heed to it. ‘Cause you could, you could stop it now before it has even worse ramifications.

Andrea Marie: Yeah. And it’s interesting to even think about like, how do you, yeah. How do you even see that your kid is possibly a bully? That’s a really interesting thing I didn’t think about, like just even learning how to spot it, so.

Danielle Frank: Yeah. Yeah. You know, and that’s why it’s, it’s really about, you know, ’cause. Trying to see who your kid is outside the home and you’re not there all the time. So it’s really heating, like listening to, you know, if there’s a complaint from the teacher or you know, if your friend of the family or your aunt or uncle’s, like I saw them, you know, I was watching them and they were kind of tough with this kid, you know, it’s okay to heat those lessons and listen to your network around you.

Andrea Marie: Yeah, yeah. I know I once saw a lit, a young kid punch a girl right in the face. And I was like, what? I got so upset and, I was just so upset about, then I found out later that she was really taunting him, and it’s like, so it’s like he just responded in a, not a good way, obviously, but sometimes you’re not even seeing the whole picture of it all.

So, yeah. And I think you said you had another unhinged story to share.

Danielle Frank: Oh yeah, this was later in life.

  📍 The fake ID and cops story

Andrea Marie: Yeah.

Danielle Frank: My mom, you know, a single mom going out on dates a lot. So I was, I think I was probably a junior, a freshman or something, and I, this is gonna make me sound like a bad child. I was actually a really good child. I was like the last one to rebel of my friends. Not that I ever rebelled, but I was a really good child.

But my parents always gave me an extended leash, like I didn’t have a curfew and so she was out on a date and I had friends over and people over and we were drinking and yeah, she came home early and she was with this guy she was on a date with and she just, she called the cops on us. And the cops came.

Yeah, the cops came and parents came like, I was mortified, but yet. A year or two later, I just spent like my summer working money on getting a fake id and I was buying a six pack of beer. Not even for me, I was gonna be driving that night to the city and take my friends, but I was the only one with a fake id.

So I bought a six pack for my friends at a convenience store, and a cop was waiting outside. I had to go down to the station. And when my mom came to pick me up, all of a sudden, you know the unhinged mom that called the cops on me a year ago? Oh, she was trying to be cool mom. She’s like, oh, is there a way, any way we can get her fake ID back?

She spent a lot of money on that. I was like, Where was this mom? A year or two ago when you embarrassed me in front of everybody?

everybody Yeah.

Andrea Marie: Yeah, that’s so funny. There’s so many different things to this story. ’cause it’s like for, did you get your fake ID?

Danielle Frank: Oh hell no. No, they did not.

Andrea Marie: I know. I was gonna say, why would they give it back to you? That’s hilarious. They’d be like, oh sure. Go ahead. Use this again. You know?

Danielle Frank: it was a great fake ID. But the funniest part of that story too is like months later I had to go to court and my dad came with me and they brought the six pack. This was maybe like a year later, they brought the six pack out as like evidence a. Like a year later, right. But luckily, like, I guess they never read me my Miranda Rights, so got off, wasn’t on my record.

Andrea Marie: Oh my gosh.

Danielle Frank: Untarnished record. But yeah, it’s so silly. Like evidence A, a six pack of beer.

Andrea Marie: That’s hilarious. So that was stored somewhere for in some evidence room. That’s hilarious that.

Danielle Frank: Bet they drank it the night of and then the day before, they’re like, oh crap, we gotta go get some new evidence.

Andrea Marie: My God, that’s so ridiculous. And that’s so funny that your mom called the cops on you while you were, I mean, like calling them to her own home to bust you and your, did your friends get in trouble?

Danielle Frank: I don’t remember my 50 something year old brain is like, has, you know, blocked out a lot of stuff. And I can’t remember if like, I think maybe somebody was smoking pot too. And she was just like, I am liable, you know, if something happens to you guys. So they didn’t take maybe like, I think they just let us go and then maybe like the kids had to call their mom parents, but yeah.

Hella embarrassing.

Andrea Marie: I know seriously. Well, you know, I guess it prevents the parties being at your house anymore.

Danielle Frank: I know. Well, yeah.

Andrea Marie: Like, word gets out and like, yeah, we’re not gonna, we’re not gonna party at Danielle’s.

Danielle Frank: Yeah. Definitely not. It didn’t help me with the boys that year. I’ll tell you

Andrea Marie: Yeah.

Danielle Frank: Well, my life.

Andrea Marie: Yeah. That’s so funny. Oh my gosh. Hilarious. I know it is. So, I think back to, I was a really. Pretty good kid too. But my parents did have to pick me up at the police station one time. So I feel like, you know, no matter what, you’ve gotta be a little crazy. Just a tiny bit.

Danielle Frank: Yeah, it’s a rite of passage.

Andrea Marie: Yeah, yeah.

For sure.

Consequences and tough love

Danielle Frank: Better then than like going to jail now. Hey, I learned my lesson back then. That was cute. That was fun. Don’t want it to happen again.

Andrea Marie: That’s right. And it’s just, doesn’t your record get. It’s like they’re two different records or something, isn’t it? I don’t know. That is also an interesting lesson too, around consequences early. I think that is something that is so appropriate for kids is we used to do kind of the, it was like the tough love type of thing where it’s like, no. There’s no, you don’t, we don’t count to three here.

It’s just like boom. That gets, you know, your toys are now in timeout till the weekend or whatever it might be, or no video games or whatever. But I do feel like the consequences young, really stick with you, and help you learn like, oh, that we could get in trouble, you know?

Danielle Frank: A hundred percent. And that’s one of the lessons in the book too, is about, you know, same idea is like letting them fall that like, it’s okay to let them fall to learn how to get back up. Like giving them room to breathe. They need to understand. You know that they’ll fall and that they can get up literally and figuratively.

And same as, as you said, like they need to learn that if there’s bad behavior, there are gonna be consequences. And if, you know, constantly just, I mean, I remember they don’t do this anymore these days with like parenting, but I mean, I remember all my dad had to do was like pretend to unbuckle the belt, and I was like, oh.

Andrea Marie: Oh.

Oh my.

Danielle Frank: Or pull out a bar of soap. If I said a fresh word, and I get a bar of soap in my mouth. Oh yeah. All I had to do was see him like walking towards the bathroom, and I’d be like, no, I didn’t say it. I didn’t, I said, shoot, not, uh, what you think I said.

Andrea Marie: Would you really get a bar of soap in the mouth?

Danielle Frank: I’ve had a bar. I had a bar of soap in the mouth, I think twice.

Andrea Marie: Uh huh?

Danielle Frank: But my dad was like, my dad was free with the curse words. So it, that wasn’t so taboo. Maybe if it was like talking back, but I think that’s also a very, very poignant thing about parenting too, that I learned from my parents. Like my dad used curse words all the time.

My dad, like, even with alcohol, it wasn’t like this taboo thing. Like I learned to enjoy like wine with something. We’d go for a nice dinner and he, you know, he would have a nice bottle that he wanted, oh, this is gonna go great with my filet mignon. So I learned, you know, and he’d have after dinner Baileys and give me a sip.

So it wasn’t something so taboo for me. And I think that’s, you know, the secret sauce as well is like, I saw that my parents’ friends. My friend’s parents who were the strictest, like, you know, they were the ones that like started drinking early were, or climbing outta their windows and breaking curfew. So I think when, you know, when you make your kids worldly and exposed to certain things, you know, things aren’t as taboo and they just wanna go in the other direction and do whatever you said no to, and you know, yeah.

Andrea Marie: For sure. I saw that at college when some of these people were away for the first time in their lives, from their very, very strict and sometimes religious parents, you know, they were the ones that were, I was like, oh, wow. That’s a lot of different guys that she has been with in the last month.

You know? like.

Danielle Frank: Yeah, yeah.

Raising good humans

Andrea Marie: Whoa, yikes. So yeah, definitely it is, it’s such a balance. So many different things with nature versus nurture and just, yeah. All of that. So do you have any other favorite lessons or chapters in the book that you wanna share?

Danielle Frank: You know what, I’ll read the mulled wine one, justause just I do like that messaging. An extremely important fact of life that you must understand is bullying amongst kids has gotten completely out of hand. Bullying is a major problem amongst the youth today. Effects on the recipients sometimes never go away.

The impact on a child can completely affect their life, making them insecure and depressed, causing them constant strife. You need to know if your kid’s packing a punch to others at school. Are they making fun of the other kids and acting very cruel to the other kids? Are they acting real tough, pushing and shoving and being rough?

Are they considered a bully and perceived as mean? If so, make sure that you are aware of the scene and it’s imperative that you get in between and stop this before it persists As they become a teen, you need to make sure your child knows that you will not tolerate any kind of conduct that is mean and rude and displays hate.

We all wanna imagine our kids as the perfect little star, but it’s your job as a parent to know who your kids really are. Are they sweet as pie when they’re with you? And then trouble when they’re far. This is very important, so heed my advice. So pay attention and teach them to be nice. Not a mulled wine that is heated, but some spice.

Ensure your child is soft, even bodied like a Merlot, not rough and tough, that others wanna deal a nasty blow.

Andrea Marie: Yeah. Nice, nice. Yeah. Well, definitely, thanks for coming on and sharing all of your thoughts about that. Parenting and wine and all that. And why don’t you share with our audience where they can get your book and how they can connect with you?

Danielle Frank: Well, thank you again so much for having me on your fabulous podcast. You can get the book on amazon.com, or barnesandnoble.com. A wine lover’s guide to Parenting the Fine Art of Wine and Whine Management. You can find me, I have a website, daniellefrankauthor.com and on Instagram I am at @createagreatstory.

Andrea Marie: Awesome. Awesome. Well, thank you so much Danielle, and we’ll, I’m sure connect again.

Danielle Frank: Absolutely. Thank you again.

Andrea Marie: Thanks for listening and make sure you subscribe, share, and follow us on the socials to get more comedy clips.