Birthday party pressure

Andrea Marie: I had one birthday party where I had to go take a break. I did. It was too much. Something happened. It was a little too much, and my mom’s looking around.

She’s like, “Where’s Andrea?” And I just was upstairs in my room on my bed, just laying there.

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Hello everyone and welcome to Moms Unhinged, the podcast. I’m super excited today about our topic, and I’m joined by our lovely, fantastic Merit Kahn. Welcome, Merit. Yes, we’re talking about birthdays. I don’t know what it is, but it’s for some… I think ’cause my boys were both born in the summer, so I associate summer with birthday, birthday parties, but yeah, like, just all about it.

Hosting the birthday party, trying to figure out, like what to do, who to invite, how do you make it like, fun and not like, cost you an arm and a leg. My God.

Merit Kahn: Oops. I don’t know if I did that part. I think we always spend a lot of money on birthdays.

Andrea Marie: Did you? I was so cheap. I didn’t. I didn’t spend that much money.

Birthdays as a “national holiday”

Merit Kahn: Well I should say that birthdays were like a national holiday for like when I was growing up as an only child. Like, my birthdays were a big deal. And, I’m a December so I always felt like I was getting gypped.

You know, it’s the holidays and whatever. So I remember one year when I was a kid, I wanted a summer party. So my parents threw me a half birthday party so I could have the outdoor party, so that was fun. But my son, also an only child, spoiled.

Andrea Marie: Uh huh.

Merit Kahn: Rotten to the core, I loved birthdays. I loved making creative cakes and having creative ideas, so, we always had a theme.

If you’re watching online, I have a stack of birthday albums to remind me of exactly everything that we did. But we had some really creative parties.

Andrea Marie: Wow.

Wow. That’s pretty amazing. That is so amazing. I had a January birthday. I still have it. Didn’t give it up.

Merit Kahn: No, no, that’s good.

Basement parties and homemade cakes

Andrea Marie: Growing up, we had my birthdays in our basement with, my mom would make a really special cake, but that’s about as far as it went. We would have it in the basement, and then we would have nut cups. I don’t know if you like, I just remember the nut cups.

Merit Kahn: Nut cups? that a snack?

God, you could kill kids today with that.

Andrea Marie: No, so like the part, the table would be all laid out, you know, it’d be a big table with nice, like, or not nice, but like a little tablecloth, party tablecloth on it.

And they, my mom would have all the seats laid out, and then at each seat there’d be a little like, cup that was just a paper cup that had nuts and M&Ms in there. And that was like, that was like, ooh, we each get, you know, we’d sit down, we each get our nut cup.

Merit Kahn: Oh, wow. Did you do like party bags, like favor?

Andrea Marie: Oh no.

Merit Kahn: Remember those?

Andrea Marie: Nope, no favors, nothing. That was the big treat was the nut cup and the cakes. But like, yeah, my mom would make really cool creative cakes. One year she made me a, I played the viola, so she made the cake look like a viola with licorice strings and really cool. One, one year it was like a cat.

I can’t, I get mixed up if it was me or my sister, but it was a cat with little licorice whiskers and ears and everything like that. So that was our ba big, that was it. And then we would just run amuck in the basement. You know, that’s all we did.

Merit Kahn: Well, when Jake was one, I mean, obviously the theme for your first birthday is one.

Andrea Marie: Uh huh.

 The train birthday party era

Merit Kahn: Like, first birthday, the whole cake in the face thing. But he was super into Thomas the Train.

Andrea Marie: Oh, yeah.

Merit Kahn: So Thomas the Tank Engine is engine number one, so that worked, so I made a Thomas cake. Well, the second year, still into trains, so train number two was Henry.

Oh, yeah. So we had a Henry party. Again, I made a cake, but this time, I decorated the pan, like the cookie sheet that I put the cake on. Mm-hmm. And so it was like grass and train tracks of, you know, like oh, it’s legit.

Andrea Marie: Yeah

Merit Kahn: It was a good… I don’t know if you can see.

Andrea Marie: See.

Oh my gosh, that’s a serious. So you guys, if you’re listening, you gotta go check out the video because this cake is off the charts. It’s like, it’s like high. I mean,

Merit Kahn: Oh, yeah.

Andrea Marie: that’s a 3D cake, like way high.

Merit Kahn: Yeah. It was legit, and it was actually two cake train pans because I had, you know, the coal cars and the caboose and the whole thing.

Andrea Marie: Oh my gosh.

Merit Kahn: And he was two, yeah.

Andrea Marie: That’s a little crazy.

Merit Kahn: So birthday three, still into trains. Now, at this point I’m like, “I’m a little more creative than this. What else you got? Like, how do we do this?”

And he’s like, “All I want is another train party.” So train number three, Edward. So we had another train.

Andrea Marie: My gosh

Merit Kahn: By birthday four I was like, “No more.” He’s still into trains. I’m like, “Okay, what about Curious George? Curious George is fun.” And so I ended up, like, making up this story about Curious George going to the Island of Sodor.

That’s where Thomas the Train lived. And so we had this whole, I combined the themes, and we had my dad dress up as Sir Topham Hat..

Andrea Marie: Oh yeah. Your dad looks a little like Sir, you know, he’s got the.

Merit Kahn: He had

Andrea Marie: top hat.

Yeah.

Merit Kahn: Yeah, he did the whole thing. And then we had, The Man in the Brown Hat whatever. We had the whole Island of Sodor theme.

But yeah, it was… I made up a story. I printed a book like, The Island of Sodor, where Curious George visits. It was crazy.

Andrea Marie: Oh, that is a little crazy, Merit. And then would you invite all his friends? Would his friends all come? I mean, you know, when they’re two they don’t really have, like, a big circle.

circle

Merit Kahn: at that point it was, well, let’s see. I’m trying to think. Like he had like a preschool little class and, you know, it was mostly family and the family friends and, you know, that kind of thing. But gosh, we, I mean, we did the whole tent in the backyard. My dad went and found these old guys that, there’s old guys that like trains, and they have these clubs.

And so my dad connected with this, these local guys who had, who brought miles of train, and they set up this gigantic, gigantic train set in the backyard for all the kids. And the old guys and the kids are, like, chit-chatting about trains.

Andrea Marie: Oh my gosh. That’s next level. That’s like, that takes a lot of planning. Yeah.

Merit Kahn: It’s not like I had a business or anything, you know?

Andrea Marie: Oh my.

Merit Kahn: but yeah, I think by the time he was five, then we had moved to Colorado and, you know, he didn’t have a wide circle. Like we moved in August, and his birthday is the beginning of September. So I’m like, “Neighborhood kids,” like, “We need people.”

At that point he was, he switched to cars, so then we had a car theme.

Cake moms vs. store-bought moms

Merit Kahn: Off the You would make a big cake every time? No, see, I can’t even bake. I made one cake and it looked terrible. It was all like sideways and patched together with frosting, and it just looked so sad. I’m not a cake maker. So yeah, we would always go to, our big activity was going to Target and they would flip through the book and find the cake they wanted.

So yeah. Yes, so then we would just, we’d order it. I had to like make sure I remembered to order it in time, ’cause they need like, you know, five days or something like that. So sometimes I’m like, “Oh crap, we gotta…” You know? So they, we’d flip through and figure out the cake they wanted and then I would just go pick it up.

And it was $17. I was like, “Perfect. Done.”

Yeah. Well, I used to think I was making them by, you know, making my cakes from scratch until I was talking to this other mom and I was like, you know, who did, who like bought a store-bought cake. And I go, “Oh, you don’t make it from scratch?” And she’s like, “Oh my God, no. Who makes a cake from scratch?” I’m like, “It’s not that complicated.

You open the box, you add a couple eggs. I mean, it’s really not that hard.” She’s like, “Merit, that is not what making a cake from scratch is.” And I was like, “Oh.” Like, “Well, I don’t know. I don’t know.”

Andrea Marie: That’s amazing. So my whole thing was trying to minimize the screaming. And so I didn’t wanna, after a little while, I didn’t wanna host the party at my house, ’cause it’s so loud and crazy. And so we would go to Chuck E. Cheese. And so my son, yeah.

Merit Kahn: Minimize screaming? yeah, Well, in my home, I guess.

Oh, okay. All right.

Andrea Marie: So we would just go to Chuck E. Cheese. My youngest son loved Chuck E. Cheese. My youngest son loved Chuck E Cheese We went, like, three or four years in a row. At some point, it was starting to get a little old. I’m like, “You’re kinda old for Chuck E. Cheese at this point,” you know?

Like… and that was before, I don’t know, I think there was a time where Chuck E. Cheese didn’t serve beer, and I was like, “What are they doing?” I don’t know. It was, it, I always was exhausted by the end of the party. It’s just so crazy with the, yeah, so many kids. I guess I just wanted to minimize the mess and disaster at my own house was the big thing. Yeah.

Merit Kahn: when we moved to Colorado, we had like a community clubhouse, like, that you could rent, and that helped for that same reason. You know, just like, minimizing the mess. But again, we went a little bit overboard, so I’ll show you one more picture. This is Jake’s sixth birthday.

Andrea Marie: My God.

Merit Kahn: It was a Star Wars party.

And we all dressed up. So I’m Queen Amidala.

Andrea Marie: Oh my.

Merit Kahn: Full makeup.

Andrea Marie: That is incredible.

Merit Kahn: Yeah. So my dad was, Obi-Wan.

Andrea Marie: Your dad is crazy.

Merit Kahn: Was like young, you know, young Luke or Yeah, so that was fun.

Andrea Marie: And your husband was Darth Vader?

Merit Kahn: Yes, yes, yes. Which, you gave him a mask to wear. So after our divorce and then we were, you know how you do like, the graduation picture boards?

Mm-hmm. So I was in charge of that, and I’m like, “Well, I’ll just put the picture of him with the mask on there.” Then we did one birthday was a paintball theme, so I did a cake where we had, like, those little army men and with like, confetti all around, so that was, like, paintball. That was fun.

The football team birthday party

Merit Kahn: But I think my favorite one was by birthday seven, he was really into football. So, you know, seven, seven points for a touchdown.

Like, I had fun with this theme. So we rented this, one of these, you know, indoor fields, and I got… You’re gonna, now you’re really gonna think I’ve lost my mind. I called the local high school, and I got a bunch of football players, the high school football players and the cheerleaders to come over.

And the cheerleaders like, did a little routine and taught whatever kids was, you know, we had boys and girls on both sides, so it was not like, yeah … “You’re a girl, you’re doing this,” and, “Boy, you’re doing that.” They got to pick. But they played flag football, and the football team literally in their football gear was teaching Jake all these, doing all drills.

Andrea Marie: God, look at that.

Merit Kahn: And then we, and then we had the cheerleaders. So we had like, a scrimmage at the end of the party after they did their drills. And so we had like, teams, and then the halftime show with the cheerleaders that taught the little girls and a couple little boys the routine. So that was fun. And then for that one, I don’t remember if I did the cake or I had ordered it that year.

I may have cheapened out and ordered it that year. Oops, sorry, no, judgment Hey. But the lines were wrong. You know how, like, a football, it was, like, the 50-yard line, the 40-yard line, the 20. And so these were numbered wrong And that’s the very first thing. So Jake takes a look at the cake and he’s like, “That’s not where the 50 yard line goes.”

Andrea Marie: My God.

Merit Kahn: But that was a lot of fun. That was a party for the ages.

Andrea Marie: Oh my gosh. That is hilarious. That is wild. So the football team agreed to just come? You didn’t pay them? Did you pay?

Merit Kahn: You can’t pay them because they can’t take money, but I did make a donation for their teams. I did that for the team and the cheerleaders. And basically, you know, I, I bought them like, the equivalent of what would’ve been like, a pizza party or something. Mm-hmm. So I talked to the coaches, and then they said, you know, that would be fine.

That’s not like paying, you know, paying the players, ’cause you can’t really do that.

Andrea Marie: Oh my gosh, Merit, that, that level of organization, I was concerned about getting my cake on time. That’s all I could think about. That had to take, like, a month of planning to get that all put together.

Merit Kahn: I just loved it though. I mean, I guess, you know, just having the one kid and, you know, that makes a difference. And it just, it is that creative outlet for me. And I just had a ball planning those. parties. By the time, you know, then he got older and, you know, it was like, “Do you want a party or do you want an Xbox?

‘Cause we’re not doing both.” And so then, you know, it was like it became more like stuff that he wanted.

Andrea Marie: Right, right. Yeah, ’cause that’s expensive, like throwing a big… That was the other thing, too, is like when my kids were young, we were on a pretty tight budget. I was staying at home, didn’t, wasn’t working. And so it was like, all about like, what can we do that’s cheap? And Chuck E.

Cheese was still kind of expensive, you know, to take them to. But like we, you know, we had a pretty small circle of kids and stuff like that. That is amazing. That’s amazing.

The sibling birthday present meltdown

Andrea Marie: One of the kind of funny memories I have is that with the two kids, you know, Christmas is easy ’cause you’re both getting presents, right?

You know, you’re both getting presents. You’re not really like watching, you know, figuring out, hey, they got more than me, whatever. It’s all about like,’ , they’re both happening. Well, with a birthday, it’s one kid opening the presents, and the other kid is watching and seeing all the cool stuff they’re getting.

When my oldest son, I think he must have been about four or five, and must’ve been five, ’cause I think my youngest was two, he was really upset that Devon was getting all the gifts and he was not getting anything. He was like crying and upset. So we went upstairs and found a bunch of gift bags and just started putting stuff in them that he already owned.

Merit Kahn: Oh my.

Andrea Marie: So he could open something, and we’re like, “Look, it’s the stuffie that you…” You know? And that was, that satisfied him, ’cause, you know, he was kinda wrecking the party with his screaming, and so we had to keep him occupied by opening things he already owned.

Merit Kahn: Oh my gosh, that’s so funny.

Andrea Marie: Yeah. And I remember my sister has the funniest picture of her little, her daughter was, I think it must’ve been her one-year-old birthday party, and then her son is older. And you know, the daughter’s oblivious ’cause she doesn’t know what’s going on. And the son is just glaring at the camera with this stack of gifts, and he just looks like he is about to kill somebody because she’s got the stack of presents and he doesn’t.

Merit Kahn: I can remember even, gosh, when I was a kid, there was a little friend of mine who just, she was just an attention You know? It wasn’t her thing. She just always found a way to make it about And my dad was kinda territorial, like, “It’s my daughter’s birthday,”

Andrea Marie: huh

Merit Kahn: Yeah, “the sun rises and sets with her,” and, you know, like that. so I’m having this birthday party, and she’s kinda throwing a little tantrum or being a little whiny or attention-grabbing. And my dad’s like, “You know what? If you’re not feeling good, Tracy, why don’t we just put you in Merit’s room, and you can just, we’ll just close the door, and you could just rest and, you know, let your head feel better.”

‘Cause she was all like, “Oh, I don’t feel good.” It’s like amazing, two minutes she was just fine after that ’cause, you know, no one was paying attention to her. But you know, kids are funny like that.

When the birthday kid needed a timeout

Andrea Marie: I know. I had one birthday party where I had to go take a break. I did. It was too much. My mom was like, all my friends were playing down in the basement, as we did. You know, that was our party, just play in the basement. And it was just a little… Something happened. It was a little too much, and my mom’s looking around.

She’s like, “Where’s Andrea?” And I just was upstairs in my room on my bed, just laying there. You know, it was just, it’s a lot. There’s a lot of.

Merit Kahn: You put yourself in timeout.

Andrea Marie: I did. I was like… It was too overwhelming, you know? It’s a lot, and I think it wasn’t quite going the way I had envisioned. That was the other thing, I think, that was happening.

I had this whole plan, and they weren’t following the plan, you know? It was, I had a plan for my party, and people were doing their own thing. So I had to go lay down for a little while.

Merit Kahn: You were like, you were the mother, in those… Like, you were the mother and the birthday kid at the same time. That’s so funny.

Andrea Marie: Yeah. It’s just wild. I think as the kids got older, it was, you know, it was interesting to see, like, you know, you just had smaller and smaller parties. At least my kids did. We would take them to Waterworld, and they would get to invite… ‘Cause that was kind of expensive day, and so they’d get to invite, you know, maybe two or three friends max, and then just have a party at Waterworld.

And I just bought them ice cream. And I was like, “This is pretty good, actually.”

Merit Kahn: Yeah, that’s pretty smart. It, it is interesting, you know, like you go from like invite your whole class and, you know, to like, “No, these are my buddies. These are the only people,” becomes this core group. So yeah, I like that.

Andrea Marie: Yeah.

Merit Kahn: Jake was born, it was actually the day after my third anniversary.

So huh. the anniversary was September 3rd, and Jake was born on September 4th, and I had planned so he came two weeks early, and I had planned we were going out for our anniversary, so I was gonna get like hair and makeup. I was getting my nails done. We had this nice evening planned, and then I go into labor, so all that was out the window.

So we have this running joke like, you know, I never got those, and I had a pregnancy pictures like all scheduled when I had hair and makeup and like the whole thing. So I’m like, “You came two weeks early, and, you know, I didn’t get the pictures and all this.” So, you know, he knows that birthday pictures are important to me.

Andrea Marie: Yeah. He wrecked your photo shoot, you know.

Right?

Merit Kahn: wrecked my birthday with his, you know, birth.

Andrea Marie: Oh, it’s so funny.

How birthdays change as kids get older

Andrea Marie: Oh. It’s funny how we plan so much around their birthday and then our birth… I don’t know, you seem like a birthday person, though. Like, my own birthday kinda was like kind of a non-event after, you know.

Merit Kahn: Yeah. I think it’s just sort of like the bigger milestones. At this age it’s just like, you know, every, on the 10 or on the 5. You know, like 53, whatever.

Andrea Marie: Uh huh.

Merit Kahn: I don’t remember what I did for that, but my 50th birthday was a big one, we did my show. But I think now it does become more like your core friends, like you go out with.

You know, like who are the people you really wanna spend your birthday with? But I always get very reflective and nostalgic on my birthday and, you know, so it’s like that time to look back and, you know, what did I accomplish this year and all of this. Yeah. So I can’t, I don’t think that my 22-year-old is quite doing that yet.

But, it is fun, you know. It’s fun to look back at the birthday albums and, you know, to think about.

Andrea Marie: Did he have big birthday, a big birthday at 18 or 21? I mean, 21 I know is such a big, big thing. Did he?

Merit Kahn: I’m trying to think of 18. What was 18?

Andrea Marie: It was, 18 is after high school. Yeah, after high school.

Merit Kahn: 21. Yeah, 21 we were in Amsterdam for his birthday, which was kind of weird. It’s like, “Congratulations, you can drink in the States, so let’s go somewhere where you could’ve drank four years ago.” Like, that’s weird. But he was getting ready to go on semester at Sea, and so the timing of it, but it was fun to, you know, spend his birthday in a different country.

So that was a cool one. Gosh, I’m trying to think of 18. What about yours?

Andrea Marie: Yeah, no, 18, they didn’t do too much. I think it was, you know, it was after high school or it was after graduation. They just go out with friends. It turns into just kind of they disappear, you know? They’re going out with their own friends, and we get cake and a dinner, you know, or whatever.

It’s, like, pretty simple.

Merit Kahn: Oh, I’m sorry.

Andrea Marie: Yeah, but 21, I mean, 21 I think my oldest was kind of in the middle of COVID, so that was kind of a bummer for him. I mean, it was… he went out. I think it was just a little bit, what was it? My youngest is getting ready to turn 21 too, and he’s planning on being with his friends, and I think we’re not gonna even see him.

Merit Kahn: That sounds about right.

Andrea Marie: I know.

Merit Kahn: That’s what he would’ve done. I did remember on his 18th birthday, I got him what I thought was a very thoughtful gift, Andrea. I believe that as an adult you should have your library. Like, every adult has a library of books that meant something to them and, you know, really shaped their thinking.

So at this point I’m divorced, and I don’t really know how to teach my son how to be a good, strong man, and I’m not sure that he was getting the best example. So I reached out to guy friends of mine, my cousins, and different guys that I respect, and I said, you know, “What are the books that shaped your thinking as a man?”

I bought a whole bunch of books. My idea was 18 books that shaped me.

Andrea Marie: Uh huh.

Merit Kahn: And people that I respect to start your adult library. I bought him a tiny little bookshelf, and it was very cute, and all this. And so I give him this and he’s like, “You bought me books?

Like, I don’t like to read, Mom.” And I’m like, “Well, one day you’ll have questions about life and, you know, you’ll wanna grow and, you know, develop as a person, and here’s the books that inspired me, and I thought maybe they would inspire you.” And he is rolling his eyes.

Andrea Marie: Worst ever, Mom?

Merit Kahn: Gift ever. It is still sitting in the, he just turned 22. It’s sitting in the living room untouched. Untouched.

And you know, I’m just hopeful that one day he’ll like, pick a book off the shelf, maybe sneak a few, read a few pages. I don’t know. All the answers to life’s mysteries are there on your shelf.

Andrea Marie: That’s hilarious. That’s so funny. We try to

instill values, all of that. Oh, Merit, this has been so much fun. So much fun. And we invite you guys, if you have a birthday story, a birthday memory, share it in the comments, post it. You know, share it with us. We’d love to hear it.

We just are always trying to realize that we’re not alone in this journey. We are all doing our best, okay? Sometimes it’s just waking up. That’s all we do. So thank you so much. And Merit, why don’t you let people know where you, people can find you?

Merit Kahn: Well, you can find me, meritkahn.com. You can find me at optimisticpersonalitydisorder.com or opdshow.com. Yeah, I’m around.

Andrea Marie: Awesome. Well, we’ll have those in the show notes. Thank you everyone, and good luck out there on those birthday celebrations.

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