Mandy Simonson: Being divorced is weird though. God, it’s weird. I’ve never had anyone legally not like me before.

I was like, okay. Signed by a judge. I was like, okay, that’s official. That hurts a little bit more. It hurts when you’re paying for it. I was like, ow. I don’t know though. We were married for like 20 years and I thought we were on the same page. Like I thought we were both letting ourselves go.

I was like, okay.

Like I was wearing onesies to bed and he was wearing Crocs in public, so I was like, that’s okay. Like, duh. We’ve chosen our paths.

Andrea Vahl: We are Moms Unhinged, a nationally touring standup comedy show. Join us in our podcast as we explore everything from motherhood, midlife, crisis, marriage, divorce, online dating, menopause, and other things that irritate us.

Andrea Marie: Hello everyone, we are Moms Unhinged. I’m your host Andrea. I have the amazing, the fantastic, the wonderful Mandy Simonson. Welcome, welcome. Mandy is one of our Portland based comedians. She is so hilarious. You’ve gotta check out her socials. We’ll get to that at the end where you can find her. But she’s so funny. So welcome. Thanks Mandy.

Mandy Simonson: Thank you with that good introduction. I was hoping you were gonna introduce somebody else. I was like, they sound great. Oh, you.

It says you’re beautiful. So I was like, okay, that’s, she’s not talking about me. All right. So fun. Thank you for having me. I appreciate it.

Andrea Marie: Yes. Yeah. Yeah. Super excited. You guys just got back not long ago from Alaska where you did some shows and some whale watching.

Mandy Simonson: There’s a joke in their somewhere, but we’ll leave that. We did one 7:00 PM you know, regular cleanish show and then 10:00 PM: naughty business. And we can’t believe how many people came out for the 10:00 PM show. They wanted dirty in Juno and we gave it to them.

Andrea Marie: Yeah. Juno’s a little filthy.

Mandy Simonson: Juno is a little naughty and they were locals and they wanted it.

Andrea Marie: Yeah. That’s so, so awesome. So awesome. I love those like double shows. That’s so, so great.

Mandy Simonson: Learned a lot about Juno. I didn’t know much.

Andrea Marie: I know I hadn’t either. We had the, that was our second time there. We had gone last year. It was me , Nancy Norton, and a couple of other wonderful comedians as well. Yeah, so fun and, yeah, you can only get there by plane.

Mandy Simonson: I didn’t realize, I also didn’t realize you could live a full life without a TJ Maxx. I didn’t know. Well, apparently you can, so I was.

Andrea Marie: Some people.

Mandy Simonson: Like, where do you guys get your shoes? But anyway, they seem to be doing it, yeah.

Andrea Marie: So you are, you have been going all over with festivals and with Moms Unhinged with all kinds of shows. You’re busy, busy doing comedy, and you are now essentially a full-time comedian.

Mandy Simonson: I hate to say that ’cause then I should be better. I just have the luxury of being able to do that, of putting my time into it. Yeah, I’m medically retired from my former job and so I get a retirement, so, I just decided if I’m gonna do this at, I’m 52, I started at 48. If I’m gonna do this, let’s do it.

And I have the ability to. So yeah, I’m I’m going for it. ’cause this is the time.

Andrea Marie: That’s awesome. Yes, it is. Let’s just, any time’s the time really, I mean.

Mandy Simonson: Well, unless you’re dead and that 52 feels like I’m inching my way towards it. So I was like, let’s get going.

Andrea Marie: One foot in the grave, this will kill you faster.

Mandy Simonson: I hope, I’m hoping.

Andrea Marie: And you have one daughter.

Mandy Simonson: I have two.

Andrea Marie: Oh, you have two

Mandy Simonson: two

Andrea Marie: daughters? Where did I get? Maybe

Mandy Simonson: I don’t care about either of them really. I don’t mean they’re so forgettable. I do have two dogs. That’s really more important. We could talk about that if you want. Yeah, two daughters, and 16.

Andrea Marie: Okay. That’s great.

Mandy Simonson: Yeah. One goes to school in Colorado where you are.

Andrea Marie: Oh, nice, nice.

Mandy Simonson: So a little.

Andrea Marie: I didn’t, I don’t even think I knew that. That’s so awesome. Or I knew it and I forgot.

Mandy Simonson: Well, got a lot of to keep track of.

Andrea Marie: Likely, more likely.

Mandy Simonson: Yeah. That’s okay.

[00:04:44] Life as a Bay Area police officer

Andrea Marie: But you alluded to your other former job, which I wanna dive into a little bit more. ‘Cause it’s so interesting. So before you got into comedy you were a cop.

Mandy Simonson: I was a police officer for about 10 years in the Bay Area. Oh yeah, you can call a cop. We’ve been called a lot of things and cop is pretty nice. Yeah, I grew up in a law enforcement household. My dad was an Oakland police, eventually a sergeant. He was a homicide investigator, a robbery sergeant.

So it was sort of part of my life growing up. I pretty much thought I was an officer of the law growing up. I mean, I was a substitute crossing guard in fifth grade, so that really sealed the deal. And I felt pretty.

Andrea Marie: There’s a lot of power in that. There’s a lot of power in crossing. I was a crossing guard for a while, and I’m telling you it, it went to my head.

Mandy Simonson: I kept the vest.

Andrea Marie: I wanted to keep the stop sign. I really did.

Mandy Simonson: I use the vest now, just more in dating, but it’s been fun.

Andrea Marie: Danger.

Mandy Simonson: Yeah, caution. Yeah mm-hmm. I’m not a red flag, I’m a neon vest, is what I am.

Andrea Marie: Easier to spot.

Mandy Simonson: I grew up in it. So then, yeah, at 24 I went through the Oakland Police Academy and then yeah, did that for about 10 years. Met my then husband there, ex now, and I got medically retired for having breast cancer.

So it’s been a journey. I’m full of.

Andrea Marie: We’ve got a lot to unpack here. We have got so much to unpack. So, so did you like? What did you do? What was?

Mandy Simonson: What was this?

Andrea Marie: Do police officers have specialties? I don’t even know.

Mandy Simonson: Okay, okay. Well, mine was sort of an inherently a specialty because I worked for BART, which is a transit agency in the Bay Area. So, it was the only job, it was the only police job that I applied for. I was living at home with my parents, Jim and Carolyn, you’re lovely. I had to get outta there.

Once they were like, you need to empty the dishwasher on a regular basis. I was like, I’m a goddamn adult. I’m getting outta here. So I only applied to that department and I got picked up very quickly before I could even realize like, what am I doing? And then went through the police academy and on the streets at 24 and I was like, oh no.

I was raised in the suburb, like, fight me. But I had two older brothers that tormented me. So that helped.

Andrea Marie: Yeah.

Mandy Simonson: So.

Andrea Marie: Yeah. It toughens you up.

Mandy Simonson: Toughens you up, like, I would kick a suspect in the shins and just really that helped having brothers?

Andrea Marie: Did you have to get physical? Did you have?

Mandy Simonson: Oh yeah. In training, I got punched in the face.

Andrea Marie: Whoa.

Mandy Simonson: By a woman, like, yeah, in the academy. We boxed each other and got pepper sprayed and had to handcuff somebody. Yeah, oh yeah. I’ve been in plenty of fights. Yeah, like it wasn’t honestly having two brothers going hands on with somebody.

You’re just sort of like, the whole time I’m screaming like, I’m gonna tell mom and they’re like.

Andrea Marie: Okay lady.

Mandy Simonson: Trying to summon my mom. They’re like, we’re in the middle of Oakland. I’m like, well, she’ll come, be here.

Andrea Marie: She will put you in a corner.

Mandy Simonson: She woke up. And so it was sort of this a natural progression. I knew I wanted to do something with people. I didn’t wanna just sit behind a desk. I thought I might be a social worker.

My mom was a child welfare worker and I thought I might do that. And she said, come to work with me for a couple days. She knew I didn’t have the temperament for it. I’m kind of a no excuses girl. And with social work, you have to give a lot of, I guess the word is empathy. No thanks.

Andrea Marie: They don’t get paid enough.

Mandy Simonson: Apparently there’s reflective listening. I was like, let’s cut to the chase, get your shit done.

Andrea Marie: Reflect it, yada, yada ya.

Mandy Simonson: Yeah. I’m like, does this reflect it? And she had to get her master’s degree for that. And I was like, well, I’m not going to school to get paid less than a police officer makes. So, yeah, I ended up just doing it at 24.

I loved it, I really liked that job. Yeah, I mean, I love interacting with people that I would never normally come in contact with. Like I was sociology major. I’m a total people person. I love subcultures. That’s probably why I love travel too. I just love learning about a new culture. It’s my favorite thing to do.

[00:09:20] Undercover on the train with a Disney backpack

Mandy Simonson: And you know, with a transit agency, you don’t have to go into people’s homes as much, which was nice. So I didn’t have to deal with the domestic violence the same, which I really didn’t want to.

Andrea Marie: That would be hard, especially as a woman. I think I would.

Mandy Simonson: Yeah. And so we patrolled, we had a couple beats on our station. I’m going like this ’cause it’s linear.

It was linear. And then, I worked a special assignment for two years where I rode trains with like eight other guys. I was the token girl. Got to do some undercover stuff.

Andrea Marie: Oh.

Mandy Simonson: Wearing like a little hat and a Disney backpack and like putting lip gloss on the train to draw in, like a sexual assault guy. I was like, I’ve turned on this whole train and I have shiny lips.

Is this what we’re trying to do? Yeah, yeah. It was fun. It was cool.

Andrea Marie: Yeah. And now did you have, so when did you have your? Were you working as a police officer when you had kids as well?

[00:10:18] 30-week preemie and a cancer diagnosis

Mandy Simonson: Yeah, so I was pregnant with my oldest, who’s 20 now, and I hadn’t even gone off work yet for maternity leave. And I had her at 30 weeks. So 10 weeks premature. Yeah, and then I went from that, she was in the hospital for two months. Brought her home for three months and that got diagnosed with stage three breast cancer.

Andrea Marie: Oh my gosh.

Mandy Simonson: This seems busy. Is this what everybody’s doing?

Andrea Marie: Wow.

Mandy Simonson: So it was a busy time. I’m sort of the kind of person that’s like, well, all right, here we go. I’m like, let’s get through the crap to get to the good stuff. So it was like, get through this. But it was stage three breast cancer and it wasn’t, you know, it wasn’t so. Got some new boobs out of it.

Andrea Marie: Yeah, yeah. So you’ve got a little baby at home and you’re having to go through all that medical stuff. I mean, that’s wild.

Mandy Simonson: And mastectomy and then reconstruction and, yeah. So that’s one way to raise an independent kid.

Andrea Marie: Yeah.

Mandy Simonson: Stay your playpen. I’m getting chemo, I’ll be back. So yeah, I just don’t know any other way.

Andrea Marie: Right. Well, it’s good. I mean like obviously there’s, you know, I mean just very resilient person, so I mean that’s like, that’s a huge thing ’cause a lot of people would get super overwhelmed with all of that and you know.

Mandy Simonson: What are you gonna do?

Andrea Marie: Yeah. Seeing, doing.

Mandy Simonson: That’s why it’s so fun to talk about it on stage now, because I can just give cancer the middle finger the way it deserves to get, and it’s so fun to be irreverent about it because screw that. I’m not it. I was never gonna let I never, I did think at one point that I might die from it.

I was like, oh man, this is not as fun as I had imagined having a baby. But then I was just like, that’s not my story. And I kind of just never even took it into my psyche. I never asked for my stats or anything. I was like, why are they not making eye contact with me in the doctor’s office? I mean, it’s a scary time.

Andrea Marie: Right?

Mandy Simonson: I think my personality was enhanced to look for the funny in it. And that’s just sort of how I was raised. My dad’s very, very funny. And so that helped. And then ultimately I we adopted a baby from Ethiopia after that. So yeah.

Andrea Marie: Yeah.

Mandy Simonson: Gave me a little bit of material to talk about.

Andrea Marie: Yeah, you’ve got a lot of material.

Mandy Simonson: Like, I should get writing.

Andrea Marie: There’s a lot, a lot of life experience in there.

Mandy Simonson: Yeah, yep.

[00:13:02] Dad’s “grand opening” = autopsy

Andrea Marie: So, I don’t even know where to go from there. Like, there’s so much. Let’s get back to your, I’m curious, you said your dad was really funny as well. So is that where you got your sense of humor?

Mandy Simonson: I guess so. I mean, I’d like to think he got it from me, but that’s not really how it works. Like he would, he would be carrying one of us. I remember a story. He was introducing me to my grandma and he was carrying me, and then he does a fake trip. You know, that’s just the, like, he’s a Larry Curly Mo three Stooges kind of guy.

When he was a police officer, they were always doing pranks like. Not cool stuff that I started to share on stage. And I’m like, yeah, he was a real piece of work. The stuff he did. But he was, it was his way of getting through really hard stuff, being a homicide investigator. Like he used to, he would leave for work and I didn’t know he was a police officer.

I thought he was in sales. ‘Cause he’d always say, I’m headed to a grand opening. And he meant an autopsy.

Andrea Marie: My gosh, are you serious? He would say that.

Mandy Simonson: He would say. And so I would tell people, yeah, my dad’s in sales and my brother’s like, what are you talking about? And I’m like, well, he is going to a grand opening. They’re like, it’s an autopsy. Okay, what’s an autopsy?

Andrea Marie: Oh my.

Mandy Simonson: So he just treated everything with humor. So he still does, yeah.

Andrea Marie: Yeah, that is wild. That is wild. So, I mean, that’s gotta be a stressful, stressful job, homicide, and I guess probably not dangerous ’cause they’ve already been killed.

Mandy Simonson: Yeah, they’re not big of a danger, but he did get shot when he was an officer. It was in friendly fire, they call it. I don’t know if you’ve heard of that, it’s a military term. I’m like, wow, how friendly can it be? You’re like, don’t worry about it buddy.

Andrea Marie: I know. Oopsie, so sorry.

Mandy Simonson: Ouch. Well, I said, what did the guy do?

Like how are you still friends with him? He is like, yeah, he got me a steak dinner. Like it wasn’t that big of a deal. I was like, that night he’s all, well, no, I had to go to the hospital and stuff, but a couple nights later got a steak dinner out of it. It was in a shootout with the Black Panthers. Yeah, it was crazy because he was a police officer in Oakland in the sixties.

That’s when he started. So a lot of political tension. When you say it is a stressful job? Yes, but not for my dad. He just, he’s sort of like me in terms of you make the best officer when you can compartmentalize stuff. And I don’t think that’s a conscious thing. I think that’s just your personality.

So it would be like, this is what’s happening in front of me, but it’s not my story.

Andrea Marie: Yeah, yeah. You’re not taking on that energy. You’re not.

Mandy Simonson: Yeah, you’re like, I’m here to do as much as I can for what’s in front of me, but it really saves you from that impact. And my mom being more of an empath that’s a little bit harder with social work ’cause you’re sort of taking on people’s stuff.

And so eventually that got to her. She was tired of seeing a lot of inhumane things happen and not having a lot of power to help with it. So yeah. And then my brother was also a Oakland police officer too, so it’s sort of, yeah in the fam.

Andrea Marie: Yeah, for sure. Now does he still do that?

Mandy Simonson: No, he put himself through law school and he, uh, he’s an attorney.

Andrea Marie: Oh wow, yeah. You guys are yeah.

Mandy Simonson: Civil servants.

Andrea Marie: Yeah, civil servants.

Mandy Simonson: Who wants to make a lot of money? Ugh, people.

Andrea Marie: And now, you know, comedy. Hey.

Mandy Simonson: Yeah. I’m like, this is.

Andrea Marie: Rolling in it.

Mandy Simonson: I was like, let me pick something that really yeah, it doesn’t pay well. So it’s okay. It’s okay. Luckily there was a few good investments in the day.

Andrea Marie: Yeah, yeah. And the thing about comedy, I think, you know, I you can tell you love it.

I love comedy.

Mandy Simonson: I love it so much. I can’t believe I get to do it.

Andrea Marie: Yeah, that’s it. Yeah.

Mandy Simonson: And then there’s days I’m, it’s like a boyfriend. Well, I think. I haven’t had one in a while, but it’s like I’m mad at it some days. Some days I’m like, and I feel so foolish doing it I’m like. And then if you have a set that’s rough or whatever, it’s like that time of chastising myself.

And I’ve really had to put in some boundaries of I get this amount of time. And then it’s done. And because I can have days of you fool, what are you doing?

Andrea Marie: You wallow in it. I know.

Mandy Simonson: Like, you old fool.

Andrea Marie: Yeah.

Mandy Simonson: And then I’m like, hold on. I don’t get paid enough to chastise myself. But if you wanna be good, you gotta work hard and that hard.

Andrea Marie: For sure. It’s hard. I was just at a show. I know I was just at a show where someone was really upset ’cause he bombed and I was like, you know what? This is what we’ve signed up for. We have signed up for this.

Mandy Simonson: And if you wanna push yourself in comedy, you’re gonna have stuff that’s cringey sometimes. I mean, not me, but I hear people do.

Andrea Marie: Yeah. I’ve heard, tell me.

Mandy Simonson: I heard tough.

So,

Andrea Marie: what are your, what do your daughters think of you with this new career?

Mandy Simonson: Um,

Andrea Marie: Comedy?

Mandy Simonson: They’re so cool about it.

Um, and I have checked in with them from the beginning because I do talk about them on stage and they’re totally fine with it. I mean, I have a lot of people, I have a brother who’s not so interested in me anymore. ’cause he feels like that’s totally insensitive and rude and they are fine with it.

And yeah, I’m amazed. I don’t know how I would’ve felt about it. They know I’m funny and they know I’m not gonna be disrespectful to them specifically. My youngest will come up to me ’cause I used to work at the high school that she’s at. And she’ll say, Ugh somebody came up and was like ugh, I saw your mom’s comedy.

She’s like, so funny. And then I’ll say, well, how, what do you think? And she’ll say back to them, I know. And I’m like, oh so for a teenager, we know that that means it’s kind of cool. Like that’s because otherwise they would tell me if they don’t think it’s cool. And so I think they’re excited that I have something that’s all mine, you know, especially after going through a divorce.

[00:19:10] Divorce and her first open mic at 48

Mandy Simonson: I started after I got, right after my marriage ended like literally three months later. And that’s when I did my first open mic. ‘Cause I was like, when am I gonna do it if I don’t do it now?

Andrea Marie: So had you been thinking about doing it? And then you just kind of,

Mandy Simonson: Not Not really. mean, no. For years I’ve always had people say, you should do standup. You should do standup. And it’s like, cool. Yeah, I know I’m funny. I’ve always been funny. In middle school I got best sense of humor. Oh, that’s like official that I’m funny. But I just, I always said if I ever do standup, it’ll have to be at the Rotary Club on a Tuesday at noon because I’ve got kids and like, what am I gonna?

I just didn’t even understand how to get started, and I never even thought about getting started. And then, I don’t know, the last couple years as my marriage started declining, I thought, well, if I ever write a set. Then I will go do an open mic, but I just never put any time into it. And one day I had a friend who was singing on doing a little show at a winery, and I went, I thought, well, I know her and she’s pursuing her dream. Why can’t I do it? Why can’t I? And I wrote a set on a mask. I actually have ’em framed right above me.

Andrea Marie: Aw.

Mandy Simonson: Up there and I went and did an open mic the next day and it was literally one of the best days of my whole life. I mean, that’s the story that it, it is so silly, but it clicked and I thought, this is it. I mean, it’s a little embarrassing to say ’cause it’s like, you know, who knows what it’ll lead to?

And maybe I’m not that good and maybe this, but for me it was the start of this journey that I knew I needed to be on. And I’ve never been so sure of anything in my whole life. It’s the weirdest feeling. It’s hard to admit.

Andrea Marie: Yeah.

Mandy Simonson: it’s sort of this current that’s been taking me.

Andrea Marie: Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm, yeah.

Mandy Simonson: Weird. I get chills talking about it and I’m not that. It’s very strange.

Andrea Marie: Yeah. I love that. I love that, that it just everything clicked into place.

Mandy Simonson: You’re like, well, I hate to break it to you, but this is your last show with Mom’s Unhinged.

Andrea Marie: You’re already booked, you know?

No, you’re so funny.

Mandy Simonson: I’m such an idiot. Yeah.

Andrea Marie: It’s so cool. I love that. So did you, you never took a class or anything? Or you just, yeah. You just, I mean, I know that you’ve been such a student of it, you’ve just been like diving in and like, know all the.

Mandy Simonson: Yeah. IOne thing for me that I’m really strong at, well, being funny is one thing, as you know, and then there’s the, all the rest of comedy, it’s like you hear people say, oh, being funny is 10%. Well, it’s gotta be a pretty strong 10%. But then it’s the bookings and then it’s what my favorite part is the networking.

That’s where I shine. Like I said, a people person. I love connecting dots. Oh, you know this person. I know that’s my favorite part. And some people hate that part. And for me, it’s so fun. So I’ve been spending a lot of time performing in different areas of the country and sort of weaving this network of support underneath me.

I didn’t know that I was gonna be doing that, but that’s so fun. So now I could reach out to a lot of different cities and be like, Hey, as I hopefully get better and the bookings get better, who knows? Who knows where it’ll go but that’s been the most fun is meeting the people.

Andrea Marie: Yeah.

Mandy Simonson: A nd I know that sounds cheesy, but that’s so fun for me.

Andrea Marie: Yeah. And the interesting thing is about this business is that it can be, it can be so many different things. It can blow up and take off, or it can just be, you know, steady work across. You know, who knows?

Mandy Simonson: Yeah. Who knows? And I don’t want to be booked every weekend. I don’t consider that a grind. I do, I say yes to things that feel good. They have to meet some criteria for me. Yeah, either the pay or performing in front of people that I have a reason I would like to or I need the stage time, but I don’t say, I say no to a lot of things is that don’t serve me. And that’s I think with age.

Andrea Marie: Yeah.

Mandy Simonson: You can go, oh, that’s not, I don’t really, no, thank you. But thank you for asking. And I love having free time. I can’t be creative if I’m always burning, burning.

Andrea Marie: right?

Mandy Simonson: I wouldn’t be able to come up with new stuff.

Andrea Marie: Mm-hmm.

Mandy Simonson: That easily.

Andrea Marie: Yeah, for sure, for sure.

Mandy Simonson: My ultimate goal is to, like, my ultimate goal is to riff way more like that. I would prefer to not even have material at some point.

Andrea Marie: Yeah.

Mandy Simonson: We’ll see.

Andrea Marie: We’ll see.

Mandy Simonson: We’ll see.

Andrea Marie: And that is your last Moms Unhinged show.

Mandy Simonson: And yeah.

Andrea Marie: Oh, no.

Mandy Simonson: Yeah, yeah.

Andrea Marie: So yeah, and you still have a daughter at home, so, you know, as far as like saying no to things, you’re still, you’re still in it a little bit, you know.

Mandy Simonson: Oh yeah,

Andrea Marie: yeah.

Mandy Simonson: So Definitely. But she just got her driver’s license and she’s here halftime. So I do have opportunities to go and do what I need. Yeah.

Andrea Marie: That’s really great. I don’t know. Yeah sometimes I’m like, is divorce bad?

Mandy Simonson: I know we’ve been on shows together and we’re like, let’s make sure there’s at least one of us who’s not promoting divorce. You’re like.

Andrea Marie: I know.

Mandy Simonson: All your suckers in the audience who are tied down to a man like, gross, run. I know. I say now the best part of my marriage is my divorce. I don’t, you know, of course.

Would that have been nice to have a solid marriage that worked out? Absolutely. In my sad where I am? Not one bit.

Andrea Marie: Mm.

Mandy Simonson: I really wouldn’t change tons.

Andrea Marie: Yeah, yeah. It’s an interesting thing.

Mandy Simonson: Even breast cancer, yeah.

Andrea Marie: Oh yeah, that’s interesting. Even the breast cancer probably gave different gifts.

Mandy Simonson: You know, this existential stuff that , it’s a little silly to talk about, but really I wouldn’t change my trajectory. I’m a lover of life. I’m a gratitude in my attitude kind of person, and I like where I am and I don’t, I couldn’t be here without the path that I’m on.

And really having, being a breast cancer survivor gives me a lot of mental license to say, I’m gonna say yes. When a trip comes up that I wanna do, I’m like, whoa, what am I winning for? So, I don’t wanna take, I don’t wanna change that part.

[00:25:33] Breath check from a 7-year-old

Andrea Marie: Yeah, yeah. That is such a good point. Such a good point. So one thing I like to always ask our guests here is about an unhinged mom moment. Could be with your kids, with your parents. When did things feel a little unhinged? Other than all the time..

Mandy Simonson: Oh yeah. Well, my youngest daughter is adopted from Ethiopia and she is of course, awesome. She and I have had our challenges. Woo doggy. Thank.

Andrea Marie: Mm-hmm.

Mandy Simonson: And I have no worries that she’s not gonna do fine in life ’cause she, she can stand up when she needs to. It’s mostly to me, but it’s been good practice.

And I think she was like seven and we were, I was letting her know, kind of close to her face that, you know, we don’t lie. She had told a lie about something and she just went, did you eat onions at any point today? What? Like and she was like, kept going like this while I was trying to like scold her about lying.

And I’m like, finally. I’m like, okay, I had a Greek salad. And she’s like, yep, that’s it. No. I was like, are you kidding me? Like she could have said like, you’re not my real mom. But she went for halitosis instead I’m so much trouble. And she is, God bless it. She’s so smart. Like, thank God the older one’s a little dumb.

No, not. But, when your kids are so smart, you just can’t get away with anything.

Andrea Marie: Yeah yeah. They will find the angles, they’ll find whatever they can, the loopholes, the comebacks.

Mandy Simonson: And so I recommend to women that are dating is like, find a dumb guy. ‘Cause that’s likelihood is you get a ding bat for a kid and that’s better. But you can tell ’em Christmas has been canceled. School starts in July, whatever you need to do. But yeah, she’s given me rent for my money, but in turn I have learned so much about needing to adapt to different personalities.

You know, there’s the lessons in there. But when she did that with the onions, I was like, I am ill prepared for this child. I am so screwed.

Andrea Marie: I think I would’ve probably, I think my kids could see in my eyes when I was getting so crazy, like literally would feel fire in my eyes. I probably would’ve lost it. I would, yeah.

Mandy Simonson: I started like seeing like prison jumpsuit, orange, like flash over my head and I was like, oh my God, could I live in, could I survive in prison? I was like, ’cause I need to do something. But I had to really learn like, you gotta back off and it’s been a journey, but we’re in way better place than ever.

And so that’s, that’s good..

Andrea Marie: Yeah, that’s wild to actually insult you while you’re in trouble. I mean, right. We’re going for the insult.

Mandy Simonson: Yeah. Yep.

Andrea Marie: Oh, that’s bold. That is bold.

Mandy Simonson: You have boys, right? Not girls.

[00:28:44] Love & Logic vs. “1-2-3 Magic”

Andrea Marie: Yeah, I have two boys. And they were such good kids, but you know, there were just definitely always times where you’re like, I think that’s interesting. You mentioned prison, and you do see that line. You see the line, it’s right. It’s closer than you think, and you’re like, woo, I gotta, I gotta step back because.

Mandy Simonson: Yeah, this is a power struggle that I don’t wanna be in, but I also have some dignity. So how do you extricate yourself? I ended up doing this love and logic. I don’t know if you’ve ever heard of it.

Andrea Marie: Oh yeah, we did that as well.

Mandy Simonson: Oh, thank God For love and logic. I was like. Oh.

Andrea Marie: There was no counting to three. There’s no, you know.

Mandy Simonson: 1, 2, 3 magic.

I was like, 1, 2, 3. You better start running that. That’s not what the magic was. 1, 2, 3.

Andrea Marie: I know. I know.

Mandy Simonson: Yeah, the love and logic saved me. Whatever they were doing was what they were gonna be doing, but it helped me just take that breath to go, oh, I’m in trouble. So I used to excuse myself into my room a lot and say, I think I left the curling iron on and my daughter would be like, later, like you always leave that curling iron on.

I’m like, I know. But it just gave me that break to get the hell outta here. Remember that sidestepping the power struggle and you had to like create, but thank God for it. I had to even their little book, I’d flip through it when I was mad. I was like, you know, thank God.

Andrea Marie: Yeah,

Mandy Simonson: It’s been a good, that was a helpful, I still use it.

Andrea Marie: Yeah, it is. It’s really good. It’s just really good to just be like, okay, here’s the, there’s consequences. There’s, you know, it’s immediate, it’s related.

Mandy Simonson: And it gives you kind of tools. Like I needed anchor tools and my ex would be like, at the time, he’d be like, well, we were married then. And he’s like, I need everything on a case by case basis. I need to like hear their voices. I’m like, oh, I’ve been hearing that he’s a pilot. He was gone a lot. He, I’m like, well, I’ve been hearing their voices all day every day, and I don’t have anything more to say.

We should sell the the program on our merch table Moms Unhinged.

Andrea Marie: We should. I feel like we need tools. We need, we need tools. Forget the, you know, we sell the wine glasses. That’s, you know.

Mandy Simonson: Right. This will

Andrea Marie: that’s One tool. That’s tool.

Mandy Simonson: Read this while you’re drinking out of it.

Andrea Marie: Yeah.

Mandy Simonson: Our wine.

Andrea Marie: It’s like a little two for package. You know, it’s like a bundle.

Mandy Simonson: See, always thinking. Always thinking.

Andrea Marie: That is so fun. Mandy, this has been so much fun talking to you. You’re hilarious. And why don’t you tell people where they can find you, connect with you, all that stuff.

Mandy Simonson: Ooh. I mostly, my Instagram page is huge for what I’m doing. I try to post shows. I’m kind of all over the place. I’ve got my second round of semifinal, round of Portland’s funniest person, August 13th, so that it’s. Type five. So I’m doing that. I’ll be in the Bay Area. I’m just got a guest spot there.

I don’t know. All over, up and down. I don’t remember. Yeah, I try to take the summer kind of lighter.

Andrea Marie: Yeah. Well, and we’ll link to your Instagram and whatever other socials in our show notes, everything so people can follow you. But

Mandy Simonson: Thanks having me.

Andrea Marie: My pleasure.

Andrea Vahl: Thanks for listening and make sure you subscribe, share, and follow us on the socials to get more comedy clips.