Sending your kid to college

[00:00:00]

Lisa Lane: When they’re off to college, it is an opportunity for you to like, run around naked all the time, or, you know what I like to say, once they move out, your scissors will never go missing again. There are so many positive things.

Andrea Marie: We are Moms Unhinged, a nationally touring standup comedy show. Join us in our podcast as we explore everything from motherhood, midlife, crisis, marriage, divorce, online dating, menopause, and other things that irritate [00:00:30] us.

Hello, everyone, and welcome to Moms Unhinged, the podcast. I’m your host, Andrea Marie, and I am joined today by the fantastic, the lovely Lisa Lane.

Lisa Lane: Andrea. Woo-hoo, good to be here. Summertime edition.

Andrea Marie: I know, summertime. And today we’re talking about sending your kids to college, ’cause, you know, it is like, like I felt [00:01:00] like when I was sending my kids to college, it was a whole summer activity.

It was like, you know, you’re shopping, it felt like for the whole summer. So you might be out there shopping right now. You might be planning. You might be thinking. I mean, now colleges start so early too. Like, what? You have to be there, like.

Lisa Lane: True. And for athletes too, huh? Yeah, really early. That’s right. It’s coming up.

Andrea Marie: Crazy. But as we were talking right before, we hit record, kind of a fun little thing is my oldest son just graduated from college, so [00:01:30] that.

Lisa Lane: Congratulations, mama. I mean, whatever it may mean in this world today, it is a milestone, pure and simple. And like at a certain point in that child’s life, I’m sure you wondered if he had the critical thinking skills to like walk across a street at a certain point. I’m just, they get kinda dumb for a minute, and then you go, “Oh, look at that, the critical thinking, the brain is forming.

We’re getting there,” and it’s a milestone, so congratulations, Andrea Marie.

Andrea Marie: Yeah. Thank you. Thank you.

Lisa Lane: and your son

Andrea Marie: Yes of course, of course. [00:02:00] He did a great job. It was a six-year project. But hey,

That’s what happens. He was, it was in the middle of COVID. He, the first school he went to was not a fit. He had to, he dropped out for, and took a semester off.

So there was a whole… And they didn’t accept any credits, ’cause why would they? Because that would mean they would get less money, you know?

Lisa Lane: Dollar bill, y’all. Yep.

The one credit that almost stopped graduation

Andrea Marie: So yeah. But it was, it little touch and go. Like, literally [00:02:30] the month before he was going to graduate, he’s like, “Oh, hey, I found out that I am one credit short.” We were like, “What? What? You have had six years. What?”

Lisa Lane: By the way, sound like a joke you say about your kids when they’re in that stage of adolescence? Like, “He is one credit short of a toolbox.” You know. I’m one credit short. Yeah, you are. Okay, anyway. How did he resolve the [00:03:00] one credit?

Andrea Marie: it was kind of, like I said, super stressful because he was like, “Ugh, Mom, I’m doing…” You know, like I love, I always think of your voice. “Mom.”

Lisa Lane: It is true. I feel, I don’t know why that is my default voice. I’ve realized it’s not just for my own sons, it’s all men. If I am even with a happy heart, even if I’m not making fun of them, when I imitate a man, I end up going, “Ugh, uh, uh, uh.” It’s not very nice.

Andrea Marie: It isn’t , but it sort of feels a little true [00:03:30] sometimes. I know. So yeah. He’s like, “Mom, I’m, I’m really busy. I will, I think I can test out of it.” Well, so he put the test off until the week before, and then he found out that he didn’t have the right computer. Apparently you needed some special computer to test out of it, and then he’s trying to contact his, you know, his success advisor or whatever.

And like it was, it came down to the day [00:04:00] before graduation when he finally got some approved, you know, substitution credit for it, and we were all just, like, on pins and needles. I was like, oh, my God. Of course. And it does sort of you know, your children can be very different about how they approach things and deadlines, and that was very fitting of how he ended his college career.

Lisa Lane: Right. And of course, that’s exactly right. There are many other kinds of [00:04:30] children, but that kind I get. Like, that is… I was just, as you’re saying that, I can’t help. I mean, it’s hilarious. It is so spot on. Like, they do they’re so… It’s like you’re a stereotype of yourself, you guys. Adolescent, ugh, get your shit together.

But also, like, the metaphor. There are so many that you could go… I mean, just the metaphor of what that is for parenting. Of course, it all works out in the end, and of course, we all got very, very stressed out, and oh my gosh, there was so much drama. But again, even as zen as we [00:05:00] try to be about it as parents, as much as we try to go, “Hey, trust the process,” and, you know, “It’s an imperfect journey,” and okay.

Andrea Marie: Need to learn this lesson. I know.

Lisa Lane: Come on now. Like, that.

Andrea Marie: Why? Why?

Lisa Lane: So much drama. That is so hard as a mom to just sit back like the Buddha and wait while you’re going, time is ticking, dollars are going down the drain. We are, ahem.

Andrea Marie: That was it. We were like, he was like saying, “Well, I could always take summer class.” I’m like, “What? more class. What?” Oh, [00:05:30] no.

Lisa Lane: I asked a young person recently, “Did you graduate college in four years?” Because like you were saying, and truly my, I have a son also who was, started college in COVID or was in school during COVID, yeah. Anyway, so yeah, weird, weird timing. But anyway, and the way things are going this year, I mean these days.

But anyway, I asked this young person and it, the, the answer was amazing. He goes, “No. Did I graduate college in four years? No. That’d be like leaving the party at 10.” [00:06:00] And I went, “All right, so.”

Andrea Marie: True.

Lisa Lane: “That’s a cultural phenomenon now.” It’s true. Why would you? Gosh darn, those are… Hmm, anyway.

Andrea Marie: Why get out into the real world?

Lisa Lane: Do we know? I mean, it’s, you never ask what’s next, but I mean.

Andrea Marie: Yeah, no. Who knows? Who knows? That’s another, we just made it to this point, and we’re just gonna.

Lisa Lane: That’s what I’m saying. It’s just a milestone and we just celebrate the wins, right? That is, whoo, it’s some, it’s better than a lot of things that could be happening. Oh my gosh. But they do keep you, they [00:06:30] just keep you on edge, I guess, is what I’m saying.

It feels like, and I’m learning more and more with my increasingly adult children, gee Louise, they just, it they never just kinda… I keep expecting it’s gonna get a little easier.

Andrea Marie: I know. I didn’t know it lasted forever. Yeah, it lasts forever.

Lisa Lane: Lasts forever. Yeah. Anyway, that’s funny. So back to the whole thing. Congratulations to your graduate, but you were just talking about some parents who might be getting ready [00:07:00] to send their kids off to college, and that, and you were saying they’re probably doing a lot of things, the buying, the list-making, the admin, the making sure they…

Advice for the summer before college drop-off

Lisa Lane: and also for anybody who is listening who may be in that position, the grieving they’re doing, and the transitioning, and the emotions that they’re doing. I remember the summer before my first kid left, and I remember I was walking around the office. I had a [00:07:30] job at an office, and I remember saying, “I can’t wait,” ’cause, you know, we had gotten to that point where I was ready to launch.

I couldn’t stand him, to tell you the truth, anymore. You need to go and leave your peanut butter-covered spoon in somebody else’s sink.

Andrea Marie: Yeah.

Lisa Lane: May I never see that again. We were ready. He was ready. So I kept saying, “I cannot wait, and I cannot breathe.”

Andrea Marie: Yeah.

Lisa Lane: I remember telling other mothers who were, like, years after that behind me, so this is my big advice if you have a kid who’s going off to college, especially for the first time, if it’s your [00:08:00] first or your last, they each one, are emotional for different reasons.

But here’s my advice to moms. All that summer long when you, it’s gonna hit you. You’re gonna, like, accidentally, you’re packing something up, and you’re gonna open a drawer and find like, a little baseball T-shirt from when he was six years old. I just want to tell you, let’s just normalize it. Go ahead and just cry it out.

Just sit there and indulge yourself in all of the crazy, complicated, conflicting emotions that live in your heart right then. Just cry it out. Just [00:08:30] let it go, and I promise you, take deep breaths, and by Thanksgiving, it’s all gonna be okay. It’s all gonna work out. I can almost promise it almost every time, right?

But oh, it is so exquisitely emotional waiting for that moment of launch. That’s why we had them. I’ve been waiting for that moment for 18 years, and yet I couldn’t breathe.

Andrea Marie: Yeah. It was so weird and yeah, just like you said, so many complicated emotions. You’re like, [00:09:00] “Oh, oh, yay.” You know, they’re doing their own thing. They need to be out on their own. They need to be maturing. But at the same time, that, that room is just so empty. It just feels so quiet, like so much quieter.

Even with just the one gone, even when they really weren’t around that much, you kind of you know, once they get their driver’s license, they’re kind of not around as much. And but it’s still like this wild vacuum.

Lisa Lane: It is. It’s weird. And you just know, and you forget. It’s like a physical presence that isn’t there, and you forget that he’s not gonna be up, [00:09:30] you know, in the middle of the night eating everything in the fridge. Like, and then you kinda miss it. But anyway, yeah.

Andrea Marie: The shoes by the door. That was one… I was like, “There’s no shoes by the door.” You know? Like, and we both had, had boys. We’re both boy moms. I think it’s probably very different for girl moms, like what they, you know.

Lisa Lane: Yeah.

Andrea Marie: The whole experience is very different.

Lisa Lane: Right. But yeah, it’s such a funny thing. So going off to college, I also, yes, as you just said, I have two boys, and [00:10:00] they both, well, it’s funny ’cause they have both admitted this as adults. They were underachievers in high school. They knew that they did not fully apply themselves.

So they were good students, but they went to public high school, and they were athletes. Anyway, they were not great students, and they have both admitted it since going to college. Like, “Huh, you know, I kind of got away with telling myself I didn’t fully apply myself in high school.” At a certain point in college, and for them in graduate school, it got to the point like, “Oh, shoot, now I really have to work and I really [00:10:30] have to apply myself.”

And it was funny. So anyway, they were not stellar students. Both of them took gap years under different circumstances. We can talk about that if you want. And both of them ended up, they are both currently in, they both have their master’s degrees and they are both currently in PhD programs. So for these not, I wouldn’t have guessed it in a million years.

Andrea Marie: Yeah, PhD.

Lisa Lane: They’re both.

Andrea Marie: That is hard.

Lisa Lane: Fully in academia and like they don’t have a [00:11:00] pot to pee in.

I mean, they are so poor. They are living the academic life, one abroad, one has gotten his degrees in France, and one in this country. So anyway, that’s where I am in the college process. They have been gone actually for quite some time. I became an empty nester in 2018. So yeah, the college experience.

But one funny thing I remember is finally becoming the empty nester and taking my kid off to college and finally moving him into a dorm room. And again, this is where I think boy mom, not to be [00:11:30] binary about it, truly I know a lot of lucky boy moms who don’t have this experience, but I only had boys, so I went like, “Let’s move you into the dorm.”

And I had a lot of ideas about this.

Andrea Marie: Uh huh.

The dorm move-in that didn’t go as planned

Lisa Lane: You know, oh, and in fact, he was an RA by the, it doesn’t matter. So the, he lived at home the first year and then, and commuted, and then went and was an RA his sophomore year, and he was also living in the dorm for the first time. So I was like, “You get to decorate your whole hallway.”

I was involved like, I was recruiting the neighborhood moms who had all [00:12:00] helped raise him and planned every one of his birthday parties and everything for all, like, what theme are we gonna do? And we were not invited. And the day that I moved him into the dorm, he kind of was like, “Okay, bye.” And I was like, “Well, don’t you wanna hang up some posters or whatever?”

And he was like, “No.” Like I had taken a whole day off of work, and he went to college nearby, that I was nearby. And I was like, okay, so I went to Costco and bought a bunch of snacks and stuff for [00:12:30] his fridge, feeling like, I guess that’s what I should do as a mom. We had done everything else. And by the time I came back, that kid had fully decorated his room.

He had put up one Star Wars poster with tape, and he had laid out all of his Rubik’s Cubes and his lightsabers.

Andrea Marie: Done.

Lisa Lane: Against the wall in an artful way. And done is right. Like proud of it. That’s his decor.

Andrea Marie: Boom. I know.

Lisa Lane: ” Mom, [00:13:00] bye-bye. I never wanna see you in this room again.” Well, all righty. I really envisioned a different thing.

Andrea Marie: I know. It’s so funny because I had to, twist my son’s arm to get like, a decorative pillow. He was like, “No, I don’t need that.” I’m like, “No, just get an extra pillow. You just might need it to, you know, read with or whatever.” And he’s like, “Fine.” You know?

So he got it.

Lisa Lane: And I’m like, seriously, when I went to college, and I mean, [00:13:30] like, my mom and I mean, gosh, I picked my comforter. And I, oh God.

I thought about every single bit of it. And also, like, which is interesting ’cause he, my son was doing the exact same thing back in, when I was 17 years old going off to college.

I was thinking, “How is every single item in my life that I’m bringing to the… How is it gonna express me, right? Who am I? What does this say about me?” Well, so was my son. It was lightsabers and Rubik’s Cubes

Andrea Marie: That’s it. They’re just kind of just…

Lisa Lane: his [00:14:00] jam. Anyway, so those were some college experiences where, again, you just don’t know, and I have seen that happen. I have seen it happen. My very best friend, her daughter went off to college and was much more, “Okay, Mom, you can be involved in.”

Andrea Marie: Yeah.

Lisa Lane: “The decorating.”

Although at one point she did tell me that her mom made her bring an umbrella, and she rolled her eyes about that. Stupid moms. Kuh.

Andrea Marie: I know, right? An umbrella. I don’t, no one those, Mom.

Lisa Lane: God, so [00:14:30] dumb. And she went to college in a fairly rainy place, so I’m just saying. Anyway, but her mom, so, you know, her mom was involved and got to sort of plan that and meet the roommate before and just coordinate comforters and posters on the wall and stuff. But then I remember that mom feeling like…

And then she kind of expected to hear from her daughter every single day, and actually at one point just said, “Can you please send me a picture every day of your life?” And the [00:15:00] daughter going, “Nah. “

Andrea Marie: Uh huh.

Lisa Lane: I don’t want to.” And, and the mom saying, “But I know you’re doing Snapchats every single… You’re taking the picture.

Can you please just send it to, copy, just copy and paste to me?” I mean, it was really interesting because that daughter was doing what they are supposed to do. They all do, they, she was creating that space for herself. But it was so funny, that mom really did feel the grief of, “Gosh, I thought I was gonna be part of her every day,” and really hear [00:15:30] a lot about the sorority she’s joining and all of that.

And to transition into that next phase of our lives where it is literally not our job.

Andrea Marie: Yeah. It is hard. It is hard when you have that, like, total, that disconnection where you just don’t know what they’re doing and you don’t, you know, you’re like, “Oh, gosh, I hope things are okay.” And usually, you know, usually it is. No news is good news. We had kind of an opposite situation with my son where he was the…

He [00:16:00] graduated high school right in 2020, COVID, and decided, you know, we didn’t know what was going on and so he did decide to go to school. We were kind of encouraging a gap year, but we didn’t know either. You know, you just were like, “Well,” you know. And so he did go ahead and go to school, but it was rough.

It was a rough, you know, the school was all virtual. It was like, you know, you were kind of just, you know, he had some decent roommates but he didn’t know them and, you know, there wasn’t anything happening. [00:16:30] And so by the end of that, school he really was realizing that this wasn’t a good fit for him.

And so then we were hearing from him, we were hearing from him every day and it wasn’t a good thing because he was so bummed out and he just didn’t have his… it ended up that his second set of roommates were very not good for him and very, separate. And so he was alone and not really socializing at [00:17:00] all.

So we would have dinner via Zoom with him every day and, you know, he was struggling. And it’s so hard when that happens. I know so many parents who do send your kids off and they’re, it isn’t the right fit. And then it’s so hard ’cause we’re used to trying to help them and fix it and whatever it might be.

But you know, you’re far away and you’re just like, “I’m hoping they’re getting through as best they can,” and wondering what can be the next step. And luckily [00:17:30] he transferred into Savannah School College of Art and Design and loved it and just has had a great time since then. So we’re, we were thankful for that second experience.

Lisa Lane: And you less him when he was doing better.

 Then we’re, yeah, then we’re not hearing from him at all until.

I actually think that’s a really good reminder, Andrea. And I mean, hey, comedy, but a lot can go wrong a lot can be going on when they’re at college. I am with you in general, and that is true, and thank you for the reminder. I generally hear more [00:18:00] from my sons when they are not okay.

You are right, and I need to remember that because it sorta sucks, right? It’s like, once again like, uh, dude, I’ve been here the whole time. Can I…?

Andrea Marie: Yeah.

Lisa Lane: It is an honor to be their mother, and it is an honor that they call me when they are in trouble, and I am very grateful for that. And may we all remember to tell all of our young people that, that’s okay.

They can call us and they, we’ll be there for them when they are in trouble because college, oh, we all know it. It can go wrong in so many ways.

Andrea Marie: Yeah.

What you lose once your kid enrolls

Lisa Lane: But in general, I think that is true, I think for [00:18:30] most of us, that that’s right. That when we are hearing from them more regularly, it’s when they’re sad and in trouble.

The thing about college that’s so weird, and even if it’s not college, if it’s a gap year, whatever they’re doing, past high school, and depending on the level of involvement you are used to having, I tried very hard not to be a super overly involved in the minutia mom, but I always kind of kept that, my prerogative is I’m back, I’m up here hovering like a mother peregrine falcon, and when you are in trouble, I will swoop in, gosh darn it, and I will [00:19:00] yank you out of harm’s way if I need to.

I hope I don’t need to. You know, only when you need it. Well, past high school, your hands are kinda tied. You cannot, you don’t, you can’t know about their grades. I mean, you go from, seriously, you go from 24 hour a day access to the grade book, and depending on the kind of parent you are. I mean, I resented the whole thing.

I didn’t wanna do it, but you help it. At certain points when they’re one credit short, there are things you just ha- You’re gettiyou’reng the emails at you know, at 5:00 on a Friday night. It ruins a family weekend. [00:19:30] In college, you have literally no legal rights. You can go ahead and pay for it, cha-ching.

Andrea Marie: I know.

Lisa Lane: But you may not investigate.

it.

Andrea Marie: I feel like there should be a little joint action there. You know? Hello?

Lisa Lane: I mean, like the instinct to, again, I never wanna do it. Even if they’re in elementary school, I never wanna walk in and speak to the principal. You know what I mean? But a few times when you have to or when you just or [00:20:00] you’re going on a fact-finding mission. My kid is saying this, seems like there’s some trouble here.

I need to know what’s going on. I’m gonna show up. You’re not allowed. You’re not allowed when they’re in coll- I mean, it’s fascinating, and it is, I mean, it’s a wonderful part of parenting. It is forcing the process of kicking them out of the nest and letting them have their own boundaries. I still will my boys are in their late 20s now, and I still believe…

I mean, it is true. I hear from them more when they are not the greatest, and I [00:20:30] still believe that I could get certain calls that would make me drop everything and go, right? But also knowing, well, yeah, but you can’t… You’ll see. You’re just the mom.

Andrea Marie: I know.

Lisa Lane: Now my son is on an internship abroad for the…

My other son who’s in the Rubik’s Cube, math guy. He’s in a very cool internship in Germany this summer. He’s been there for almost a week, and I realize I have, like, I’m kind of going, “Proof of life, dude. How’s it going?” And I realize I’m gonna have to [00:21:00] call his girlfriend to get an update and that is okay.

I mean, she lives here, but he’s gonna be more in touch with his girlfriend, whom he shares a life with, and I couldn’t be happier for him. Thank God he met a wonderful woman who he shares his life with. And guess what? She’s so much more important than I am now, so I’m not gonna get any updates.

I’m not gonna get them. I’m gonna have to go through her, and honestly, it’s what I prayed for, right? It’s what we want for our kids. But that is such a we’re just [00:21:30] working ourselves out of the job, Andrea.

Andrea Marie: I know. I know. It is a wild, it is a wild ride, the whole thing. Now your boys are two years apart, right?

Lisa Lane: One year apart in school, 18 months apart in age.

Andrea Marie: Oh, right, 18, yeah, 18 months. So now what was the differ- so they went to school, like, was it one year apart then that they were, that you were then an empty nester? What was the difference, did you feel like, from sending the first one off to the second one?

[00:22:00] Was there, did you feel a difference between?

Lisa Lane: Huge, huge, huge. First of all, and most people feel that different children, you know, different, I mean, completely different experiences of course. Yeah. And really one was kind of seriously more difficult to live with and a little bit more like, “Bye-bye.” And the other was a little bit like, “Meh, we kinda miss you. Do you wanna go to lunch with mommy?”

And he, “No, I don’t. I’m in college now.” But and again, it’s such a different experience. I think for people, and I see [00:22:30] it in parents, I see it in my friends. Like like I said, some people truly mourn it. Like I feel more like you were experiencing earlier or explaining earlier a little bit like there’s an emptiness, there’s a gap, there’s a…

but also to me, joy of watching them, the scariness of watching them struggle along the way, and both of them did. Both of them also switched along the way and had heartbreak along the way, and I mean, it’s been, it’s not been easy. But watching them find their thing [00:23:00] and do well, right? Even from afar, from my now, my spectator seat, I definitely have a distance.

But I mean, I love it and I think it’s like this is, I want them to be just awesome adults who enjoy their life, and if they don’t… I don’t have the boy mom, I’m not the boy mom who like my kids are just coming over every day and wanting to hang out with me and delivering me the grand babies right into my arms that I was hoping for.

But I’m very much enjoying this college and graduate school part of their chapter because watching them find their [00:23:30] thing and do well, it’s so cool, right? And get smarter than we are. I mean, they both are so far ahead of what anything I can comprehend in their fields. It’s so cool, right? So, but I know other moms who truly just miss them and never don’t miss having them around, you know?

I mean, so it’s both. It’s such a transitional time

Andrea Marie: It is, and I think like, I think for you and probably a lot of our mom [00:24:00] comedians, we were able to then kind of like pour our heart and our soul into our work and be like, “Okay, now I don’t. You know, I can go out every night and not feel like, ‘Do I have to cook them dinner?'”

Or whatever, you know, or like, or you might feel like you might be missing dinner. So I think like having your own identity, having your own hobbies, having your own, you know, career that you can kind of then feel like, “Oh, I can now really, [00:24:30] you know, go balls to the walls.”

Lisa Lane: Yes, ma’am

Andrea Marie: I might have felt a little like, “Oh, I gotta take care of them,” you know?

Becoming an empty nester

Lisa Lane: Oh, absolutely. One of my pieces of advice to parents in my book about parenting teenagers, which was, which came out of where I felt like I was failing and flailing at parenting teenagers, and I was teaching high school, so I was doing research. Anyway, one of my pieces of advice to parents when the kids were still in high school and middle school, when they were adolescents and starting, just life gets disrupted, right?

Family life gets disrupted. They say, yeah, no kidding. [00:25:00] One of my pieces of advice was that be a show-off. Figure out there is probably something that you did when you were younger, you did really well that you haven’t done for a while because you have sacrificed it.

Andrea Marie: Mm-hmm.

Lisa Lane: Because you’ve been a mom. Do it.

Do it again, whatever it is. And I mean, I was telling moms at the time, like, stand on your head. I remember one time I did 40 pushups in front of my two boys. They had no idea I could do that ’cause that just wasn’t something… Like, I exercised when they were in bed. You know what I mean? They went to bed and mom went out and I ran and I kept myself fit.

And one [00:25:30] time when they were old enough to care, I just, and they went, and I went, “All right, that. I need a little bit more of that right there.” Like take them by surprise. Just show up and do something awesome and competent, and your kids will see you in a new light. And I think that’s important. That’s like this ninja parenting thing I have, like keep surprising them.

But also, what you’re doing is sowing the seeds for what you just said and what you and I very much experienced is what is it that I do not, what have I not been doing? What of my passions can I keep alive in [00:26:00] myself while I’m parenting? And then, that’s right, then it will feed you when they’re gone, because truly this is a different chapter.

I did the most stereotypical thing. I became an empty nester, got divorced, and turned 50 all in one year. Didn’t see it coming. Truly didn’t see it coming. And I mean, my decision, I was like, “I’m done,” but I didn’t think that was gonna happen. I’m a stereotype. I mean, I am absolutely just a trope, and then in fact, found myself with all of this extra time, and my father was dying.

So I mean, like I had [00:26:30] a lot going on and I found stand-up comedy. And like you, I mean, and I treated it like, like a lot of things, like a job, like a boyfriend. It was my relationship for a while ’cause I couldn’t imagine touching another person, and so I just was like, something about going out and doing that and being heard and working.

Anyway, like you say, I found this thing that you’re right, that is part of the reason I don’t miss my kids being at home. I didn’t feel a hole because I kinda went, “Cool, I can do this now.” [00:27:00] And by the way, they’re proud of me.

Andrea Marie: Yeah.

Lisa Lane: They don’t always say it, and they don’t necessarily, my kids do not really want to see me do comedy.

One will come, the other is like, “No thank you,” but literally tells all his friends about it. I think that’s exactly right. For all moms who, and dads, who are, if kids are going off to college and however it’s making you feel, all of the feels, that is right. Remember to cultivate the thing that nourishes you, and maybe it’s something that has been dormant for quite some time.

Andrea Marie: That is such [00:27:30] good advice. I love that so much. And I should, mention to everyone who is listening, Lisa has a great book called Teenagers Suck, and perfect for if you’ve got teenagers.

Lisa Lane: Teenagers Suck is the funny book that’s like a fake… Exactly, send him off to college. That would be a great gift. It’s a silly little book. It’s a fake, like, it’s a baby book for parents of teenagers where you record instead of baby’s first step, it’s baby’s first misdemeanor. And I also have a book called Beyond [00:28:00] Mama Bear: How to Survive the Balancing Act of Parenting Teenagers and that is available on Amazon through my website.

And that is a more serious… It’s still a nice lighthearted, very easy, very fun read. And that is advice for the frazzled families of adolescents who, like me, just went, “Oh, shoot. Life got disrupted. I didn’t know…” I was surprised by how… I was a terrible teenager myself, so I was kinda looking forward to being a mom of teenagers, and I thought I was gonna know how to do it.

And I was [00:28:30] teaching high school, so I know how to deal with adolescents. And my own kids, I did not do it gracefully at all. And so I threw myself into a bunch of research, and that’s what that book is about. And the premise of that book is that, Mama Bear is a role model for us when the kids are little.

She’s a good you know, it’s our instinct. Like, Mama Bear, we hear ’em when they’re crying, we’re good and then when they become adolescents, a lot of us, like Mama Bear, we hibernate. Because when our kids turn into teenagers, we are real tired. And [00:29:00] I saw that happening, parents kind of letting their kids be vulnerable.

So that’s like, my whole book is sort of, we gotta stay vigilant.

Andrea Marie: Yeah.

Lisa Lane: As long, at least as long as they are under our roofs. And as I am learning more and more every day, no, no, for the rest of their lives. There is a lot of, there is a lot of vigilance, and again, it’s finding the balance, as always.

You just did a recent podcast about letting your kids quit things. When do you let ’em quit? When do you make ’em finish the job? That fine, fine balance. It is. And it’s [00:29:30] like that when they’re off at college. I really also have become aware of something recently, and I’m aware of it in my own heart, and now I’m just paying it forward, I guess.

You will sacrifice things as a mom, as a dad. You will sacrifice so many things. And I just want you to remember that when those kids grow up, they will have no memory of that sacrifice. And in fact, if you mention it to them, they will go, “I didn’t ask you to do that.” So just keep that in [00:30:00] mind. Don’t sacrifice yourself too much.

Andrea Marie: Yeah.

Lisa Lane: Like, when they’re off to college, it is an opportunity for you to like, run around naked all the time, or, you know what I like to say, once they move out, your scissors will never go missing again. There are so many positive things.

Andrea Marie: It’s beautiful. So many perks. So many perks. Well, Lisa, this has been so much fun. I love this. Why don’t you let people know where they can find you and your books? We’ll put these [00:30:30] links in the show notes.

Lisa Lane: Yeah, awesome. I’m Lisa Lane, comedy. Lisa Lane, one letter away from Lois Lane, Superman’s girlfriend. Did not occur to my parents, but that’s me. Lisalanecomedy.com, and you know, everything’s there. Come and see me do Moms Unhinged shows and other yeah, all over the world. You know, my first cruise ship is in September.

That’s right, I’m doing my first cruise ship in September. It’s getting real. It’s crazy, but I think it’ll, I think it’ll be fun. And you know who loves to be on cruise ships? Parents who are away from their kids. Even if their kids are there, they’re coming [00:31:00] to that show. And that’s, honestly, that is truly why I love Moms Unhinged, and thank you for this conversation and all of the conversations.

And I’m so grateful for this community of women, because parenting is hard.

Andrea Marie: Yeah

Lisa Lane: and finding the funny is great. And it’s hard sometimes to find the funny. I mean, we just discover- we just discuss a lot of really deep, really serious things. But together, it sure is better than… it sure does beat the alternative.

It sure does beat wallowing in it and letting it [00:31:30] beat us down. Because in the end, man, most of them, they’re gonna be all right, and most of our kids are gonna be okay, no matter what they do.

Gap years and rethinking the college default

Lisa Lane: And also, we can talk about not going to college is okay, too, you know?

Andrea Marie: Right. Exactly. That’s increasingly becoming a maybe that’s another podcast there.

Lisa Lane: Yeah, for real actually. And it would be interesting because the way that we had, the way that my sons took gap years, one was, “Okay, you’re not ready. You need to do something,” but we weren’t… I mean, we didn’t have the money to just go, “You can just go travel.” So he [00:32:00] found a year of service. He did a year of service, and then figured out a very non-traditional path for himself to get an education.

And then the other one also did like yours, like started at a place that wasn’t a good fit, ended up taking, taking a gap year, kind of being forced a gap year because he went ahead and spent a year of college not doing college so much. So, you know, and that was one where I have a lot of, I actually have a lot of thoughts about that, about some kids who are just not ready.

I think a gap year serves them [00:32:30] very well. And even if it’s just working, I don’t, I’m not worried. A lot of them, a lot of them do go back to college, and if they don’t, it may not be right for them. It’s not, it’s just funny how, I mean, we did just assume that our kids would go to college, but that’s a different, that’s a different conversation.

Well, I think what we are ultimately doing is hoping, yeah, hoping and helping them find their passion and what will lead them to independence and autonomy and hopefully jobs.

Andrea Marie: Yes. [00:33:00] That is the hope.

Lisa Lane: Good luck to your son.

Andrea Marie: Yeah. Thank you so much.

And thanks everyone For listening and tuning in. We love you. Thank you so much.

Moms Unhinged.

Andrea Marie: Thanks for listening and make sure you subscribe, share, and follow us on the socials to get more comedy clips.