[00:00:00] ‌

And my anger is I think I used to get to like, whatever, an eight, and I thought that was my 10, and I found two more. I could found two more notches as soon as I became a parent.

[00:00:10]   Meet Ophira Eisenberg

We are moms unhinged, a nationally touring standup comedy show. Join us in our podcast as we explore everything from motherhood, midlife, crisis, marriage, divorce, online dating, menopause, and other things that irritate us.

Hello everyone and welcome to the Moms Unhinged podcast. I am so excited today to be joined by Ophira Eisenberg, who is incredible. You guys. If you are podcast listeners, you absolutely need to go and listen to her podcast Parenting is a Joke. It’s amazing. And among other things, she is a standup comedian.

She’s been on shows like Late Late Show, Comedy Central, HBO, all the big, big sites. She regularly appears on The Moth Radio Hour. I mean, you’re NPR, all this stuff. So you are a pro and I am so honored to have you on the show today, but also just to have you on Moms Unhinged.

It is just such a wonderful blessing. Everyone always is loves, loves you.

[00:01:33] Why Moms Unhinged is a rare comedy space

Oh, thanks. I mean, honestly, you know, there’s something that you often say in the intro to the show, to the live audience, and I’m sure you’ve just said it before when talking about the origin is how rare it is truly. Like I’ve worked in a gazillion different formats, fundraisers, club dates, New York, blah, blah, blah.

And the idea of having a show where there are three or four women on stage back to back.

All at the same time.

All at the same time, I mean a variety of ages, but also just favoring women that might be a little older ’cause they’re either empty nesters or they’ve just been at for a while.

It’s rare.

Yeah.

It’s rare to have that opportunity.

It is, and it’s so fun. The shows are just so much fun and it’s fun to hear all the different perspectives. I think that’s the big thing I love is because your son is how old now?

He is nine. He’ll be fifth grading.

[00:02:33] Growing up then vs. raising kids now

Oh.

Yeah, which is wild. That was one of my favorite years I think.

Yeah, fifth grade. I mean, that was like back when I mean, fifth grade is a little different. Yours it’s top of the, top of the elementary school so that was sixth grade for me, but I did love that..

Me too. In Canada, it was, sixth grade for me was fifth. Fifth grade was sort of like, yeah, you’re still in between the kid. No, there was no pressure. I felt like fifth grade, nah, it was no pressure. That was just playground.

Yeah, yeah. And you feel like you got dialed in, you’re, yeah, just top of the food chain. It’s fun. You still don’t care very much about anything. I love that. You’re not worried. I didn’t worry. Like and I think every school is a little bit different. My school, we were not into boys and then I went to middle school and there was some racier,

Faster elementary schools. Who were already dating and stuff like that. I was like, what are you talking about? I have just held hands with Joel. That’s all I’ve done, you know.

Joel, how you doing, Joel? No. That rings true. I mean, again, we finished elementary school in my school at grade six, so there was still the same cohort even went that far in their pre-teen years. But then I do remember going to junior high as we called it was in middle school, junior high.

And different kids were being bused in from different neighborhoods too, because it was a feeder school and some of them like had brand new ideas. I remember even like one girl, I think it was it’s age appropriate, that was grade seven, was just like, oh, I got my period. And I was like, I don’t know what that is.

I know your parents. My parents didn’t mention it. We never heard about it.

God.

It was never a thing that we knew about that was coming. Had we known fifth grade might have been harder or whatever. Sixth grade.

Exactly. Just living in a state like just wide eyes, what is happening? So, but that is all changed. That is all changed. Matter of fact, in school systems around here, there’s such an emphasis, they call it social emotional learning. That’s right. The catchphrase such an emphasis on that.

They’re always talking about it. Sometimes I’m like great. I don’t know how you’re proceeding in that, but could you also teach the math? Could you slam that there? Somewhere?

Hopefully.

Because I don’t feel like the academics are being covered enough. But anyways, so, but I said to my kid about a new friend he was making, I said, oh so what do you know about that? What is he into, what does he like, what is he doing? And he told me about a bunch of the like games they like playing and video games and art and whatever.

And then he said, but he also says that sometimes he feels depressed. And I was like, that is so interesting that you guys were even talking to each other like that.

I know, right? I didn’t even know. I didn’t even know that word. I didn’t know what it was, that’s so funny.

Anxiety. Even like really got rebranded in my twenties.

Yeah, it had a glow up.

Totally.

Oh my gosh. But what a fun age though. It’s, that’s exciting. I always felt like all the, I enjoyed all the ages, even though they all had their own challenges, but that’s great. And so you live in Brooklyn.

I live in Brooklyn.

And he goes to school. Is it real local? Do you walk, does he walk, bike?

five minute walk.

Nice.

Five minute walk. Which is one of the reasons we picked the school. In hindsight, I think some people were like, oh, the better school is a fine school, but they were like, the better school is there or there, which would’ve required a lot more effort on our part in terms of commuting.

And then other people said, make your life easy and just go to the closest one.

Yeah.

I was like, okay.

Is there some, I always feel like is it that big of a change that’s worth commuting so much? Like, are they gonna end up at Harvard ’cause they went there? Versus, I don’t know.

Yeah, I don’t even know if that’s the goal anymore. I was thinking small appliance repair.

We just focus on plumbing is where the money is.

Yeah. That’s not going away.

It’s not being replaced by ai.

[00:07:04] The pressure of being your kid’s full-time playmate

It I mean, do you think it’s, do you feel like it’s harder to parent nowadays versus when we were kids? I don’t know.

Yeah, I do. Well, I mean, I just think the emphasis, and especially from talking to so many people, I just realized that the emphasis of the, how the parents are involved in the kids’ life. Like that was supposed to be a good thing because my parents, now, even my parents were much older than the people, my ages parents, because I was the youngest of six and my mother started very early and ended very late.

So she was the age of most of my friends’ grandparents.

Oh my goodness.

So very old fashioned point of view, like the idea of playing with your child. I mean, maybe a card game, but no. Sitting down on the floor and playing with me, no.

No, wasn’t a thing.

Absolutely not. And I think this thing where I am like very involved with I mean, I think my kid really considers me one of the number one playmates in his life.

Oh, wow.

And I don’t think that’s strange or uncommon, but I do think it’s a lot of pressure on me and every parent to be like, I need to eat, provide food, work, do all this stuff, and also play with you.

Yeah.

Like no wonder we’re no, I mean, in some ways I go, no wonder we’re all iPad crazy. And some people are like, oh, I don’t give the kid the iPad. I’m like, well, I hope that kid has like a thousand friends that they can run out to within three square feet because we live in an apartment. I can’t say to my kid, go find. Like, we have to create a play date.

We have to like, this is a very regimented scheduled life.

Right, right. It’s not just go play kickball in the yard.

So and that was my growing up. I grew up as soon as I could ride a bike, which is around my kids’ age. I do remember, especially in the summer, I would get on that bike, I’d ride on the sidewalks, and I would just go all over the neighborhood and anytime I saw someone I knew I’d stop and maybe we’d go to the playground. I mean, wild.

I know my sister, when my sister was three, she rode her tricycle 10 blocks away. And a family friend phoned my mom up and is like, “Hey, do you know Julius over here?” My mom’s like, “Nope. She’ll find her way home.” That’s how it was. She was three. Can you imagine not knowing where your 3-year-old is?

Oh my God. I would, yeah, lose my mind. Lose my mind. So I do think that, I think there is, was so much more pressure on parents, on every single level. And then I think this is a garbage dream that we’ve been sold about how we have to push our kids so hard when they’re young or else they will amount to nothing.

The fear. That’s the fear. And it turns out you can push your kid hard and they will still amount to nothing. So that’s what studies have shown people.

That is so true. They’re gonna be wrapped in a weighted blanket, like you said.

Like, every once in a while. I love standup and I’ve worked so hard for the career and I know you love it too, but every once in a while I’ll meet someone that’s like a pretty good standup and they’re like, oh, I used to be an engineer, and I’m like whatcha doing? Like, you did it. You made it.

No.

A good thing.

Right. And I don’t know if you know this about me, I used to be an engineer.

Oh my God, I did not know you were an engineer.

I know. And it is, but the thing is like, am I happier doing this a hundred percent. So why not? Am I making engineering money? No.

Right.

But at the same time it’s just about being happy, and that’s all I want for my kids, is that they are happy and they can make friends you know?

Yes. Which in some ways I feel like that is how the focus should go, and that is something, as a parent, you do not have a huge amount of control over.

Yeah, that’s very true.

The happiness and the friends. You can set all the boundaries, all the, I mean, all the foundation. All the foundation. You want to hopefully nurture that, but in the end, that is totally up to them.

And you can schedule all the play dates. You can try, you know what I mean? You can try and get them into groups and it is really, it’s a lot of times.

That sucks. I wish I could just be like, see that person, that’s your friend forever.

I know.

Okay.

You guys are now in an arranged friendship.

Yeah. Right. Exactly, exactly. That’s a good idea. That’s not a terrible idea, Andrea.

Work it out. Work it out.

Yeah, I care. you think you have something you don’t know. You don’t know if you like this person at all. What do you know?

Yeah, I’m right. Right. So now talk about like, you alluded just trying to do all the things, be the playmate, coordinate all the stuff and have a career.

[00:12:13] Comedy gigs at night, parenting by day

Now you have had an incredible career. You are traveling. You’re out on shows, you’re being booked with The Moth, all those kind of things.

How is that juggling?

It is. It’s really hard. And this, I will say this last year, so I have a theory, which I think I live in a scarcity model. First of all. I think that’s the formal word of it. So I really am like big on, I love a full calendar. I mean, that’s very important as an independent entertainment professional.

You want a full calendar. And that’s how I make money. And also that’s how I’m motivated to create by having the gigs on the calendar. And if any anyone knows anything about standup, you can’t do it three times a week. You just, you’re not gonna be any good. It is like going to the gym.

You wanna run that race, you gotta work at it every single day. And otherwise, the other people are working on it every single day and they are gonna run right by you. Okay, so it’s something, and I find if I take breaks off, it really is a little bit like starting from scratch. Sometimes you get rusty really quickly, the old tendencies come back that you thought you worked through and you’re back there.

And so that is really hard ’cause it takes place at night and it does involve travel. So the night thing is just a huge amount of energy that I don’t know where you get, I get it from sometimes I have coffees at seven. I did last night, had a big old coffee at seven.

Right. And the kids don’t sleep in. You’re not like tomorrow I’d like you to get up around 8:30 or 9.

I mean, I’ve heard some of the guy comics have told me that when they work at 2:00 AM or till 2:00 AM or whatever, they sleep in the basement or something like that so they can sleep till 10 or something. And their partner deals with the kids in the morning, and then they deal with pickup.

I have a small apartment, so like someone breaths heavy in the other room and I’m like, I’m up, I’m up. So, but it’s amazing. I think your body chemistry adjusts in a kind of profound way. ‘Cause now if I’m not working at seven, first of all, I’m like, oh great, I need a day off. Amazing. For sure.

I need to recharge. But also something happens in my body, which I think it’s so used to being prepared for a show. There’s like, I get this new surge of energy and I’m like, what am I doing? What am I doing? What am I doing?

The travel has been great. ‘Cause that’s really how you make.

Well, truly it’s how you make better money and then you get to do longer sets too, which is the name of the game. But my son did say to me recently, you’re not home enough. And I felt guilt.

Oh, it’s so hard.

It’s so hard. Part of me was just like, I’ll try to figure out more ways that I can be at home, but also, dude, I don’t know.

Yeah. I mean, how so how long have you been doing standup?

Oh yeah, 20 years. Long time.

20. I mean, that’s the thing is your son is eight. You’ve been doing standup way longer. So it’s like you’re not gonna switch your career, and you know, you’ve got a vibrant career going.

I mean, fingers crossed. If anyone wants to give me a boatload of cash for a slightly creative job that is adjacent to this, I could consider.

[00:15:38] The unpredictability of a comedy career

Yeah. I mean that is the thing too is that, you are doing multiple different things and I think most comedians are, I mean, they’re doing comedy. But they also might be doing like commercial work or MCing and whatever, or acting or things like that. So most people are doing kind of multiple little things in But yeah, it’d be nice to do a thing that was very lucrative at home.

And I think some, there’s a couple comedians I know who have little tiny kids, just like literally newborns, and they are trying their hand at making as much money as they can. Putting stuff on Instagram or TikTok and YouTube, getting that rolling ’cause they can do it from home. And hopefully, I mean, that’s just another gamble, truly because it’s not like that is in a saturated market.

Yeah. Right, and they change the algorithm and of a sudden you’re, you know.

Bottom of the pile.

So yeah, it’s just wild. I didn’t start staying up until my kids were older, so I don’t think I would’ve been able to do the kind of traveling that was, I don’t know.

I mean, I’m sure you, if you’ve done it for so long, it’s different, but starting would be.

Yeah, and it comes up and down. So I’m very, well, the thing about the scarcity model, I said I’m very much like, take it while you can. ‘Cause if anything, the pandemic taught me was like, take it while you can. You don’t know. I don’t even know, like I hope my gigs in the calendar through to January of this next year hold.

But you can sign as many contracts as you want. Like all of it is ether until you’re literally walking into the theater. And then fingers crossed.

Yeah.

I feel like you, you try your best and you wanna count on everything, but there’s you like it is a total wild world and a bit of a gamble. So I just try my best.

But I swear to God every time someone’s like hey, do you wanna do this something way out? Like five months out, you wanna do this gig? I’m like, sure. But I almost say with like a laugh, like, we’ll see if that happens.

I know

Who knows?

you’re planning so far ahead. I know, right?

Oh, you think that’s in the calendar? Let’s see. Let’s see.

Yeah. It is definitely all of the arts is so interesting and I just talk to a lot of theaters and it’s just all, it just seems so up and down.

So up and down. And so what I’m actually hoping, and I don’t know if it will be this year, but I don’t quite have the brain space for this yet, Andrea, but I would like to, take my kid with me to more shows. I just feel like that is a particularly hard thing on a mother and a performer because you need that solo head space to really get in the show mode.

Yeah.

You can’t just switch that quickly.

Yep. Very true. And you’re you know, taking care of them, worrying about them while you really are like, Hey, I need to figure out what I’m doing here.

And I need to get in that head space. So I need that. And I have taken, every once in a while I’ve had gigs in Nantucket, I’ve had some gigs in Aruba. Like, it’s not like I could be like, you’re not coming to that. You’re totally coming to that. But that’s when I need my husband with me because I can’t do that on my own.

Yeah.

[00:19:01] Moms get asked stuff dads never do

Right, so that’s interesting as well, is that while you are traveling your husband is supporting this. Here’s the thing that makes me kind of crazy though about that is like, oh, you husband is supporting you.

I don’t. It’s like, is that unusual? You know what I mean? People like talk about it, like that’s remarkable. And yet men comedians.

I mean, they bas people basically ask me the question. So if it was a man performing first of all, I don’t even think anyone would for one second be like, so is your wife weighing in on this?

Yeah, right.

Zero question? Oh, she is she taking care of the kid? But I mean, it doesn’t even matter. The most enlightened people, the people with the most wildly non-traditional jobs will be like, so how does he feel about staying home at night? To be a dad. I think he knows what’s going on.

While I’m working, while I’m doing my job.

Yeah, and it’s a shuffle. Like it doesn’t always work out. It’s a logistical nightmare every week with all the scheduling. But it is like there’s no surprises here.

Yeah. Right, right. Yeah, this is what it is.

Yeah, so occasionally, I mean, we have this ongoing joke ’cause there’s just so much on our calendars and and my life does not follow a regimented nine to five. And so I’ll say to him on Monday, I go, okay, you know, on Wednesday I’m, going to whatever Ohio. And he’ll be like, what? And I’ll be like, no.

Every time it’s like, at first it used to bother me, but now it’s the joke that no one, just nobody knows anything more than one day ahead of.

I know, it is true. In fact, even for this interview, I was like. Oh, wait. Whoa, I gotta get, I’m working minute by minute sometimes.

Me too. I’m actually going to Calgary, that’s my hometown, to do some shows and see some family, and I’m actually staying with a friend’s place and she was like, what do you want to eat on Thursday night? I’m like, it’s Sunday.

I know. What do I wanna eat for lunch? I have no idea.

I’m just gonna go with food and we’ll work it out.

That’s so funny.

But I was like, what’s going on in your life?

I know, right? Must be nice. Must be nice. that kind of brain space.

Amazing.

[00:21:29] Ophira’s most “unhinged” parenting moment

Oh. So you know, one of the things that I love hearing along the way of this whole Mom’s Unhinged journey that we’ve been doing is hearing from other people on like unhinged moments they have.

I particularly enjoy the bad parenting moments stories because it makes us all feel better, right when we can, say, okay, we’re not in this alone. So do you have any particular times where things just went really off the rails.

There’s so many times things go off the rails. So many times, and actually this is not like, this is not a top 10 moment, but it is a recent one ’cause it just happened yesterday. And it has to do with the fact that I especially if I’ve been traveling. Sometimes I zoom in like I’m back.

I’m playing the traditional dad role you could say. I go back into the scene and then you know, they have to make space for me again and I come back in with all my parenting, but they’ve been working in a specific tone. Right and then I’m back. And yesterday it was screaming hot in New York. So hot, not pleasant to be outside.

And I’m very committed to, with my very energetic 9-year-old that he has to get exercise, but I wasn’t on top of it. And I’m unpacking and I’m reorganizing, and I always feel like I come home and the apartment is just like, I am like I have to reset this. What have you guys been doing anyways? So I’m putting things, everything back and my kid is on screen.

He communicates with some of his friends on the screen now, so that’s more screens. And then he’s watching some videos and he’s watching some episodes playing video games. And we reached a limit and we were going to just go to the grocery store and I said, okay, no more screens tonight.

No, that’s it. And he’s like, what are you talking about? But dad, I’m like, doesn’t matter what dad and I are on the same page. Does not matter what dad. Like, come on now. And I know he can be manipulating me. And I’m like no. It is over. No more screens. You’ve had your mouth. And he was crying and screaming at me on the street.

Oh.

Which is that added level of shame I’ve never gotten over. So I start getting like quiet, quiet. You’re making people look at us, which supposedly further shames them and is really bad. And then he’s got tears in his eyes and I feel terrible. But you gotta stay there. Once you’ve made your bed, you gotta you, yeah.

Lie, you gotta.

And then we come back home and because I had basically interrupted him the whole time by saying, you can’t. By the time I get home, my husband’s like, Lucas just storms in, all freaked out and goes to his room. My husband’s like, what is going on? I said, well, I said, there’s no more screens.

And he goes, oh, I bought tickets for us to go see Superman. And I was like.

Oh, oopsie.

But I never let Lucas finish a sentence, even though that’s another thing I’m always trying to work on with him. Do not interrupt.

Yeah.

So he thought I was like, he wasn’t allowed to do that and he couldn’t talk and he had a completely super fair frustration with me. And so then I had to be like hi, dad and I didn’t communicate about your plans and yeah, so I apologized I guess, and they went to Superman, even though I was like, why wasn’t I invited to Superman?

Oh, hey. Yeah.

Yeah. And then I remembered, oh, ’cause I’m doing a show. So there you go. So that was a good one. That was a good one. But I mean, every time we travel, day one is a nightmare.

Yeah. Just getting through that.

Getting through that, like someone didn’t pack something.

Uh huh.

I try to give my son some independence in the packing, and then it’s literally like one pair of underwear, one sneaker.

I’m like, you didn’t think you needed any socks? What? You know like what?

And then I like have some freak out where I ran around going like, I have to do everything. And then, yeah, everyone’s, everyone always responds to that by going, oh, I hear you. May I help you?

Yeah, that’s a point, mom. You know what, I’m gonna just apologize.

I’m just gonna apologize. Yeah, but my friend was saying that they got so mad at their little kid that, you know those lovies? I mean, I have done some very unhinged things. I’ve dragged him outta Walmart because he wants some stickers and I said no, and literally dragged him. We have had like throw down meltdowns in the middle of public where we’re both in puddles and, just stuff that I feel so bad about.

But she was telling me that it was like, those lovies, those little, like a cute little head. And then the end is a blanket that her, was it her or her husband took like the kid’s favorite lovey and cut off the head.

Oh geez. That’s.

I know. It’s chilling. What do you hear it?

Oh, it is.

I was like, they’re laughing.

They thought that was hilarious.

Oh my gosh. Can you imagine like, that’s the thing is you get pushed to this point and you’re like, who am I? I did not think I could get there, yeah.

And my anger is I think I used to get to like, whatever, an eight, and I thought that was my 10, and I found two more. I could found two more notches as soon as I became a parent

My son said he could see it in my eyes. I would get, I literally felt the eyes flaming. I was like, oh, that’s like in the cartoons where they do that. And I was like I can feel it. It’s happening to me. Yeah.

Yeah, but that’s also a learning curve too. ’cause I’ve said we’ve had these thrown on meltdowns and yesterday I was not very cool. I went back to my old ways. But I have learned just, if anything modern day parenting has provided me with, and I’m not a subscriber to the gentle parenting thing because as actually Jo Piazza, who’s an author, said to me recently, she goes, “I can’t do gentle parenting ’cause I don’t have gentle kids.”

Like you also have to have a kid that fits that. But I have learned that if I yell at my son, the worst thing I could do like I’m not getting anywhere with that.

It is. I wouldn’t necessarily yell. One time I did yell when he smacked, but smacked my other kid in such a way. But like, the clenched, they could hear it. Like the more concentrated my voice would get, I know I would see my son backing away and I’m like, okay, we gotta, it’s so hard. It just like, yeah, it is.

They would watch your voice basically turned into solid.

Yes. It would be so focused. It would be like, oh God, mom’s clenching her teeth so hard. That’s she’s giving herself TMJ.

It’s amazing, amazing..

Oh, man. Well, this has just been. So much fun to yeah. I just am so excited to have you on our Moms Unhinged shows as much as we can get you. I’m actually gonna be in New York, New York next week doing a show in Mamaroneck but yeah.

Fantastic. Yeah well, I know we’ve got some great shows for the fall. I’m excited.

Yeah, so many fun shows in the fall. So thank you so much for all of your time. And where can people learn more about you?

Well, you can follow me on all the socials @ophirae except for TikTok. I’m at @ophiranyc. Don’t ask, mistake. They should all be consistent, but that’s what it is, everybody. And then my website, which I do update with dates, is ophiraeisenberg.com

Awesome, awesome. Thank you so much. Thanks again.

Thank you, Andrea.

Bye.

Bye.

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