Moms Unhinged Holiday Episode

[00:00:00] Telling kids the truth about Santa

Colleen: And I don’t know if you guys remember finding out the truth about Santa Claus, but this little fantasy does not end well and it sucks having to explain that to your kids, you know, ah, James buddy.

It’s true. There’s no such thing as Santa. See me and your dad, and your grandparents, and your aunts and your uncles and your teachers, and really every adult, you’ve grown to love and trust throughout the years. We’ve been messing with you. Going for like eight or nine years. That’s sick.

Andrea Marie: We are Moms Unhinged, a nationally touring standup comedy show. Join us in our podcast as we explore everything from motherhood, midlife, crisis, marriage, divorce, online dating, menopause, and other things that irritate us.

[00:01:06] Welcome to the Holiday Edition

Andrea Marie: Hello everyone and welcome to the Moms Unhinged podcast. Thank you so much for joining us and being a listener. We’re doing a little holiday show today where we’re just getting clips from our comedians of stories, tips, tricks, memories, things to help get you through the holidays ’cause it is a rough time.

We hope that you’re staying sane through all of this, and remember, it’s almost over. We don’t wanna necessarily wish it away, but we’re just trying to make it through and giving you a few laughs along the way. So tune in, and again, thanks for listening to Moms Unhinged.

[00:01:45] On finding out Santa isn’t real

Donna Lee: Hey y’all. I’m Donna Lee and this is my favorite Christmas memory. The year is 1980. It’s Christmas time and I’m nine and a half years old. I’m a little bit older than the kids at school who started to figure out there was not an actual Santa Claus. So one day I am sitting in my living room in Lockhart, Texas and my dad walks into the room and he always had a cigarette in his hand and he asked me how my day was and I said, dad, is it true that there’s no Santa Claus?

That’s what the kids at school are saying. And he looked at me with a cigarette and he paused and he goes. Do you really think we’d let some fruit loop in a red velvet suit down our chimney in the middle of the night while we slept, and then he took a drag off a cigarette and he started to walk away. I started to tear up and then he spun around and he goes, and don’t even ask me about the Tooth Fairy.

[00:02:31] Holiday “do not gift” guide

Amanda Marks: happy Hannakuh. Have a good Festivus. Merry Christmas, happy Holidays from Mom Cam and the minivan. And I am your host, Amanda. So in this episode of Mom Cam in the minivan. We as in me, ’cause really I’m the only one in the car are going to be discussing the holiday do not gift guide. Do not give these gifts.

Learn from my mistakes. Number one, avoid Monopoly at all costs. This is the game that never ends. Most boring, tedious, long game ever. I’m pretty sure my kids have learned to steal and cheat from Monopoly. Hell hath no fury, like a 7-year-old Monopoly player, scorned. It just goes on and on and on and on.

The next gift you should never give Hungry Hungry Hippo.

I always wanted Hungry, hungry Hippo as a Hanukkah gift growing up and wondered why my parents never gave it to me. So I decided to get it for my own kids. Loudest gift ever. The only benefit of Hungry Hungry Hippo is that I was able to use it as an example when I got into a big debate with my husband about whether hippos are gentle creatures or vicious.

They’re hungry, hungry hippos. Have you seen them trying to go after those marbles? They are mean creatures and apparently very loud. The next gift, you should never give your kids: a pet beta fish. Nothing’s more disgusting than cleaning up fish water. Oh, correction. Cleaning up dead fish water, especially when it may have gotten all over the carpet.

The average lifespan of a beta fish is about three to four years. But in my house it’s more like three to four months. My kids though, have thought for like an entire year that we just had one pet beta fish, but we actually went through several. I didn’t tell him the fish died. I said, your fish has a fish flu.

We gotta go pick your fish up from the fish doctor ’cause he’s feeling better now. So we drive up to the fish doctor, which happens to be Petco. Happy holidays. And that concludes our episode of Mom Cam in the Minivan.

[00:05:02] Perimenopause and Santa almost falling off a roof

Emily Holden: Hello maker of magic holiday miracles right here. Just like every mom out there. If you’re wondering why I’m wearing a Santa hat, it’s because I haven’t washed my hair in four days. And if you’re wondering why my eyes are so puffy, it’s because I took. Two progesterone pills last night so I could fall asleep at any moment.

I am happy Santa. Brought me HRT early this year. Just started my estrogen patch, and very excited about this perimenopausal journey that I am on ’cause Lord knows I am not on the nice list this year. Anyway, I was remembering a Christmas about five or six years ago, our town always lights the Christmas tree as an event, and they used to do it on top of this old building of a bookshop.

Very, very quaint. And Santa would light the tree. It was a huge thing, right? Well, one year, Santa almost fell off the roof. He did not fall. But we laughed so hard. My husband and I laugh about it every year, and one of our friends, their son would even impersonate Santa every year and pretend to light their Christmas tree Christmas morning and then fall down.

And I think there’s something beautiful about making front of. Making fun of a man that gets all the credit for all the work that goes into Christmas when we all know Ms. Claus did it. Happy Holidays.

[00:06:42] Last-minute holiday decor ideas

Lindsey Porter: Hi, I’m Moms Unhinged comedian Lindsey Porter. Did you just look around your house and realize it’s mid-December and I haven’t done any holiday decorating, and the stores are really crowded and busy and I can’t do any online shopping because my kids are boycotting every store that offers overnight shipping.

Well, don’t dispair. I’ve got lots of helpful ideas for using ordinary household objects to make beautiful holiday decor. First up, we have this garland using unmatched socks that I’ve been trying to pair for seven years. Oh, look, this one has gingerbread men on it. Oh, well those are zombies. Okay. Oh, this one has a fun saying.

It says, don’t ask me, I’m high. Perhaps you’re looking to make a holiday centerpiece. Well, I’ve got just the thing. Go to your children’s bedrooms and find all the used spoons that they’ve been saving. I found four. Oh look. This one has guacamole on it from a summer party. Neat. Well, just put these in a BestFest of holiday mug, and if you don’t have a holiday mug, just use a pint glass from your local brewery.

There we go. Beautiful. Now, when making online content, it’s important to do things in threes, and I don’t have a third idea, but I do have this bottle of wine. Happy holidays, everybody.

[00:08:08] One holiday survival strategy

Lisa Lane: Lisa Lane here with the one holiday hack you need if you are a parent of teenagers, pre-teens, or even kids in their twenties. There’s only one multi-use tool you need in your kit. One tip can help you survive the most wonderful time of the year. And this is it. Lower your expectations. Get ’em down there.

Even lower Bottom of the barrel bargain. Basement. Low, low, low. Get ’em down there. Don’t you Spend one minute of your wild and precious life imagining, envisioning your picture. Perfect Family holiday. This ain’t a Hallmark movie and we know it by now. Instead, try imagining the worst case scenario. Really get an image of it and hold space with that.

Lean into it. Meditate on it. Imagine the very, very worst that could happen, and then the reality of your own actual holiday shit show won’t seem so bad. Will your child make a mockery of the festivities? Of course. Will they sneer at a thoughtfully chosen gift? Embarrass you in front of the grandparents and other judgy relatives.

Sleep through dinner and ruin the family photo. Probably. Will they desecrate religious and cultural traditions that have held your family together for generations? I can almost guarantee it. Now, don’t you Give up, you jingle your bells and light your menorah and deck your halls and hold on to the traditions that mean something to you.

Do yourself care by yourself. The perfect gift, maybe a little nip of eggnog, meditate, disassociate, whatever it takes, but lower those expectations because when your holiday is not the actual worst. Well, that’s a festivus miracle. I hope you lower your expectations and have a very happy holiday season with your family.

I’m Lisa Lane. You can follow me at lisalanecomedy.com and Lisa Lane Comedy everywhere else.

[00:09:58] Elf on the Shelf multiplies (and quarantines)

Speaker 5: So in 2020 we got all of our Christmas stuff down and realized we could not find our elf on the shelf. So we got a new elf on the shelf to replace Buddy. He was named after Buddy the Elf. Well then about a week later, we found a box of Christmas decorations and wouldn’t you know the old elf was in the box and my son found it and he was freaking out thinking like, what’s going on?

Why is there a dead elf in this box? And we had to explain that. That must have been Buddy’s brother. And he tried to come visit, but he got COVID so he couldn’t fly back to the North Pole. So then I had to get tongs to transplant this old elf into a Ziploc bag so it could quarantine and get better. So then we had two elfs.

So we have Buddy and we have Will, and they are on the liquor cabinet drinking Jamison this morning.

[00:10:56] You don’t actually have to do Elf on the Shelf

Speaker 6: Merry Christmas to all the moms out there with Moms Unhinged. We love you. I want to share with you this little bit of knowledge that the older parents did not have to do Elf on the Shelf and our children turned out okay. So it’s okay if you don’t wanna do it. Nobody wants to do that. They should not have added something extra for moms to do during the holidays.

Hot, take love y’all. Please come to shows and give yourself that break that you need. Put some totty in that hot totty. I don’t even know what that is, but drink, enjoy, be merry and love on your family. That’s the only thing that matters this holiday. Merry Christmas, happy holidays.

[00:11:40] The holiday calendar that became mandatory

Speaker 4: Hi, friends. Happy holidays. Jene Suplee here, Denver based comedian with Moms Unhinged. I have seen many of you at shows all over the country. Happy holidays. We love you. Oh, quick holiday tip. I have for everyone. Maybe for the new moms. I made the mistake of making a baby calendar and gifting that for everyone’s holiday gift.

My daughter’s now three. I’ve done it every year since she was born, and this year just been a little bit busy. I’m currently at the airport sitting in a Colorado Adirondack throne. I travel a lot, so I told the family I’m not gonna make. I’m not gonna make a calendar this year. This has sparked the most controversy I’ve seen in a while.

Apparently, this calendar that just has pictures of my daughter, month over month, there’s at least 30 people in my mother-in-law’s office that need it. There are people that thrive off of this calendar, in grandma’s community. This is a very popular calendar with my child’s face all over it, and it is getting demanded.

So just a fun fact. Just a little note for you guys. If you’re gonna make a holiday calendar with your kids’ face on it, you need to do it until they’re 42. Alright, bye friends. Happy holidays. Good luck out there.

[00:13:11] Finding alone time during the holidays

Mandy Simson: Happy holidays from Chicago. Yeah, where I’m sitting in my hotel room in my pajamas and it’s 8:30 PM because it’s cold outside and I’m too lazy to go out. Being a mom is getting alone time, wherever you can find it. Happy holidays from Moms Unhinged and me, Mandy.

[00:13:33] Holiday lights and kids who know exactly what they’re doing

Stephanie McHugh: Happy holidays, everybody out there. Andrea, the producer and creator of Moms Unhinged. Thank you so much for all the shows I had in 2025. She wanted us to share a holiday story, and my kids are now 27 and 30. Julie, my 27-year-old said, my prefrontal cortex is done. I just wanna go home and watch TV after work.

I wanna chill and relax. Which is wonderful, but it doesn’t leave for many stories. So I’m gonna share something with my nephew’s kids. Last year at Bandimere. The raceway has the holiday lights that you go through in your car, and my sister-in-law bought tickets for our whole family to go.

So we had like maybe five cars going to it, and once you get in line, that is it. It just goes back and forth, zigzags back and forth until you can get through the holiday of lights. And it was running really late, so it was like nine o’clock at night and we still hadn’t gotten through the lights. We were supposed to be done at eight.

So my nephew, Tyler, had his family, Nabil, his wife and Atlas and Aria, his kids who are like, Aria is seven and Atlas I think was three. And so they were starting to lose it in the car and asking for reinforcements. My niece was hanging out with them and she was ready to get out and I’m always up for hanging out with the kids.

Grandma Heidi was driving a car. So I went in the car with Aria and Atlas, Nabil and Tyler, and Atlas was still in his car seat, which kudos to them for keeping the kids in the car seat. If I was moving 10 feet every five minutes, I think. I would take ’em out, put ’em in the back of the pickup truck, but that’s just me and my Moms Unhinged view.

They had the kids safely in their car seats. It’s like an hour after Atlas’s bedtime, he’s in the car seat, he’s tired, he wants to go home. He just is done and he’s just screaming and crying and flailing. And finally Tyler got him settled down and that’s when Aria would, with her big, beautiful brown eyes, it reminded me of in Shrek 2 Puss In Boots. He’d put the big kitty cat eyes on that no one could refuse. She would have that big innocent look on and she’d go, what’s the matter, Atlas? Are you doing okay? And then that would just trigger Atlas again to scream, cry, flail his arms. And Aria would look at me and go, I don’t know why he’s so upset.

And then Ty would finally get him calmed down and then she’d do it again. She did it like three times and I’ve told that story to a few other people they say, don’t you think she was actually, maybe really cared that he was okay? And I have to say from one big sister to another Aria, I think she had a little more going on.

I think she was stirring the pot without stirring the pot, and kudos to that. I hope everyone’s having a great holiday season. Thanks for everyone who came out to a Moms Unhinged Show. I’m wearing a T-shirt that says, always jingle all the way. Nobody likes a half-ass jingler, and let’s just remember that. Happy Holidays.

[00:17:21] Moving the decorations on the tree

Nancy Norton: It’s Nancy from Mom’s Unhinged. I just wanted to say, do you do this? Do you sneak in like, you know, do you do like a crawl under the tree and you know when the kids are not around and fix the ornaments that they put on? ’cause this is absolutely the wrong place for this ornament. This ornament is clearly too big for up there.

It goes down here. It goes right there now. Now, God rest you merry. Gentlemen. I love all the little ornaments that the kids made over the years. Merry Christmas. Hope that your tree gets decorated the way you want.

Andrea Marie: Thanks for listening and make sure you subscribe, share, and follow us on the socials to get more comedy clips.